Abandon all hope, ye who enter in

Well, you should never abandon hope, even when you're feeling abandoned. Yes, that is how I feel. Abandoned.

I miss you-both of you. Do you miss me too? Or are you too preoccupied with your new sources of entertainment?
Do they ease the pain of being you? I know being you isnt easy, but I always thought that was the reason why we were friends. But I guess its easier to hide from something all together than it is to face it, even if you have friends to help you. Unfortunately, I dont believe in the easy way out. But if I did, I'd join you--I guess. Well, I know thats the reason for one abandonment, but whats the other?
Boredom? Could it really be that selfish? 6 years of friendship, of the most honest sort, and you're bored? Well, I know you very well. And unfortunately, I know this is probably the truth. Its just boredom.

Well neither of you will ever read this, I have faith in that, so I have no problem saying this. You told me it was okay to be me. 6 years ago one of you told me it was okay to be me. And then a year ago, the other reassured that and gave me a purpose. Well, now that you're gone I'm left with a lot of people who dont appreciate me being me. And I cant help but think that if I knew I'd be abandoned...I would have taken the blue pill. Now I know this isnt true. I'd never give this up, but its lonely and its hard and I wish you two would just...I dont even know. Stop? But whats to stop? Your distractions? Well, your happy with your distractions so it would be selfish of me to pull you away. I dont know--I just miss you.

.Broken Record Ended.

A day like the weather

I haven't written in here in awhile. I've needed to, but haven't. But, I know its really time to write when I start ranting at the Gozick in my head.

On my way to school this morning my mom decided she was going to start ranting at me about college. Because I was a) listening to my ipod and b) still adjusting to being awake I was not very interested. Somehow or another, she got the impression that I'm not interested in going to college and blah blah blah. Apparently, I had to decide the rest of my life this morning on the way to school. (For the record, I'm not only interested in going to college, but ecstatic about it.)
My day increased drastically when I showed my English teacher a poem I had written the night before and she said it was fabulous. Mrs. Cochran is not a woman who just gives out compliments. You have to work your ass off to earn them. And I did =] I was sooo pleased that I actually went around showing it to everyone. My day remained peachy up until I got home.
I dont even know what to say. My brother is an idiot and home life is just stressful at the moment. So its icky!
I have a lot more to say, but its nothing I want to make public, so this was a lost cause, I suppose. I'll just continue ranting to the Gozick in my head and hopefully things will improve.

Yeah, my day has been like the weather...ever changing. Anyway, here's the poem I guess. Its not finished but I'm proud of what I have:

I am confined
by the barricades of artistry.
Billy wasn’t kidding when he warned us of the walls.
Bedecked with deep, petty emotions,
I am contained by them.

He spoke of a window.
That which saw through
the absurd metaphysics
and frivolous mysticism.

I hope to find that window
and to wade through it all;
to escape the metallic ice
of love and despair.
I want to know what lies
beyond the limits of truth

But the truth
is that I cant.
No poet or sculptor can
because we built these walls of abstractions.
Walt warned us to solidify;
So we did.

It’s all quite useless
Oscar insincerely advised.
But we pay him no mind
and continue building our walls
and trapping ourselves inside.
Because outside of that window
art does not exist
only vital circumstance.

TaDa.

A greener means of happiness

So this isnt exactly, "tomorrow" but I forgot. So, here's "tomorrows" rant...

I hate pot. Actually, no this isnt true. Pot is alright. I hate amazing people who arent okay with being themselves. I hate strong people who choose to be weak. I hate when people choose feeling comfortable with drugs rather than feeling comfortable with friends. I hate crying over a friendship I'm not sure is going to last. ....I hate crying over you.

I miss you. You're one of my best friends. Usually, you make me feel safe and intelligent; Important and capable. But, at the moment, you just make me feel bad. I feel bad because I pretended to be okay with it. And I feel bad because afterwards I ignored you and then I yelled at you. But mostly I feel bad because we're not together. The three of us, the Creamy Council...we're not together. You and I are not together because drugs stand in the way. You and her arent together for the same reason.The other one and myself are not together because we just had a fight over how to deal with you. ...We've never had a fight before. Please please please realize that drugs dont just fuck you up. They fuck everything and everybody up. ....I miss you.

All rain is useful

I don't really have much to say but I havent posted in awhile, so I figured what the hell.

So some of the best advice I've ever gotten is "all rain is useful." It has yet to apply to my actual life but I feel it is something I need to carry with me because one day I will need it. I don't know why I say that, other than the fact that it was just floating about my head all day. I had a horrible day, but...it was followed by a marvelous night, so its okay.

On second thought, I do have something to say, but I am far too happy and far too sleepy to go into a rant about disappointing people. You know those beautiful, brilliant people who suffer from too much boredom and then risk their brilliance on something as stupid as drugs??? Well, I'll save that rant for tomorrow.

Well...all rain is useful<3

A life worth living

So after a long night of Gilmore Girl watching and singing with my mom I'm ready to write...

The basics:
New Zealand was incredible. We did so much that I cant even begin to explain. The scenery was the most beautiful in the whole world, I swear by it! The adventures were unbeatable. The people too incredible for words. It was just fantastic. I guarantee that in 20 years I will still say that its the best place ever.

My revelations:
The most important one is this-that you will never understand my revelations. I could explain them with more adjectives then you thought possible and go into details that would make you weep, but you'd never "get them" In order to understand what I now understand you'd have to be in the middle of nowhere dancing on a bridge over the bluest water, surrounded by the greenest trees looking out at beautiful snow capped mountains. And even then, you'd realize something completely different.

But, for arguments sake: Life sucks. At times, it feels like just one hardship after another. Sometimes, you wonder if you'll even survive another day. Some of us don't. However, those of us that do are greeted every morning by the sun. Every single bloody day is another chance for life to improve, and one day it will. Then, years later, you'll look back and think wow, its almost laughable now, because you learned just how strong you are to have survived such hardships. Thats what I did while I was in New Zealand. I laughed. I laughed because I could, because no one in the entire world could stop me. Life. Is. Beautiful. I say it so much its lost a lot of its edge, but I promise its the truth. Life is beautiful not because it weakens you, but because it strengthens you. It pushes you to the point of exhaustion. But, if you don't let it break you, then it wont...because it can't.

Me trying to explain any of this to you is useless. Thats another thing I realized on my trip. In the beginning of The Picture of Dorian Gray, Oscar Wilde's prologue says that "All art is quite useless." When I originally read this I don't think I understood it. Then once I "understood" it, I didn't like it. But now, I get it. I don't just "understand" it, I GET it. It means that for billions and billions of years people-artists-have been trying to capture life. But, how can you capture something that abstract? And why would you want to capture something that beautiful? To capture something so incredible as the embers dying out in a fire, someone making love for the first time, someone parachuting from a plane, or even someone dying...if you could capture something that incredible then what would be the point of living at all? Its the fact that you and only you can truly experience these things that makes life useful, and art...quite useless. Quite useless... like everything I'm saying now.

On the plane ride home I watched American Beauty for the first time, and I find it necessary to quote it now--

"Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life... You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry... you will someday."

A brief greeting

Hello! Bonjour! You were all missed.

Well, terribly sorry I did not write while I was away, but I never got to a computer. And terribly sorry it took me a week after being home to sit down to this thing. Well, I have a lot to say, but unfortunately I'm not in the mood to say it, so it shall wait. I just didn't want to go much longer without updating. We are creatures of habit, after all, and this is not a habit I wanted to break.

So, I will update (soon) about my learnings in the New Land of Zea, but not tonight. For I am far too quirky. =]

I bid adieu..

Well, this is the last time I'm going to get to write in here before I leave on the greatest adventure mankind has ever known! Okay, well...I may be exaggerating a wee bit, but 5 1/2 weeks in Fiji and New Zealand with your best friend at age 16 isnt half bad!

I can not fucking believe this is actually happening! I was just telling my friend Josh about all the things we're doing there. We're doing everything! I mean, I dont even know what were doing while we're in Fiji, but New Zealand is the extreme sports capitol of the world! We're doing it all! (Except bungee jump...I'm not allowed, lol) And forget about what I'm doing physically! What about the mental development while I'm there? There is no possible way for me to come back the same way I left. This trip is going to change me forever. I can only hope that it is the most positive change imaginable.

And I plan to write everyday! A story, a poem, a recap of what we did that day, anything! I need to write my brains out while I am there! That way I'll have some good stuff to post on here ;]

Okay, well...I'm going to miss you guys like crazy. If I get on the internet while we're there I'll try to post something so keep checking up, alright? I love you all. Have a great couple of weeks! And, "Go be awesome!!!"

See you all Aug. 13th!