When life is hard, you have to change

^^So says Blind Melon.

And they're right. I kind of started my change last week but its OFFICIAL today. YES, FOLKS! Today I, Lisa Pepe, cut my hair. My hair hasn't been this short since I was about 4 (short being shoulder length). Its awkward but I'm enjoying it. More importantly, I'm enjoying the symbolism. "I'm letting go of all I've held on to." I'm enjoying life and I'm enjoying myself.

Oh life<3

Poor Pretender

Befuddled. So very befuddled.

A man jumps on a table in the middle of a crowded room. He says, "My name is Jack Pretender and I am someone who has never committed to anything and its never bothered me." Everyone looks at him. Jack expects people to jump on a table and let the entire room know who they are, but no one does. So, Jack jumps off the table and walks up to a girl. "What is your name?" he asks her, everyones eyes are still on the two of them. "Jen." She responds. "Jen, who are you?" "I don't know." Jack asked several different people there names and "who they were." The people who didn't answer "I dont know" said things like "I'm a body builder" or "I'm a good person" or worst of all "I'm a mystery." After asking several people he started to cry. He walked out of the crowded room unsure if he'd ever return. It was that last answer that got to Jack. "I am a mystery." Had he not felt so defeated he would have asked the black haired, pale skinned girl, "What's so great about being a mystery?" Jack felt as though he had done the right thing. He wanted everyone to know who he was almost as badly as he wanted to know who everyone else was. Jack had decided that from now on he was pure and he would keep no more secrets. Except, what if he was wrong? What if the mystery girl had been right. What if people are meant to be hidden beneath this shroud of secrets. In spite of these thoughts, Jack couldn't help but think that secrets were just tall fences meant to keep the world out and he wanted so desperately to let the world in, only the world was not excepting the invitation.
Jack spent the rest of his life brooding over that day. Was he right or was he wrong?


I hate secrets. I want someone to be painfully honest with me. Will you be?

I am Jack's broken heart

When I was little my mom and I got in a fight. I was so furious that I packed my runaway bag. It was a purple Lisa Frank bag with a pink bear who held a paintbrush. The bag itself was insignificant really. It contained a Spice Girls CD, my favorite Barbie, a blanket, some crayons, some paper and my will, meaning who I intended to leave the rest of my stuff with. Sensible, I know. It lasted 3 moves. But when we were kicked out of our house and had to decide what was important to bring, I thought I would never need it. So I left it there under the bed.

I was wrong. I would do anything to have that bag now. My mom and I had a fight last night because I shoveled the walkway incorrectly. No, I am not kidding. She came home, opened the door and started talking about how I am unmotivated and only ever do things half way. So we had a fight. This morning she told me that she didn't like me. My mom is the most beautiful person I've ever met. She's gorgeous. She's had a really hard life and managed to still move on. She raised me by herself and taught me almost everything I know. And... she doesn't like me.

"I can't do this anymore," she said to me. "I can't keep pulling people through life." Okay. Then don't. Because I can't do this anymore, either. I can't keep convincing myself that she does. So I'm done. And I dont know if that means that I completely rebel and go and get a tattoo and smoke a lot of pot or if that means I go through life head down, shut up. Either way I'll be miserable so who the fuck cares?

I bend really far. But I am human and I break too.
I am broken. I am Jack's broken heart.

16 months and I am gone.

My perfect 17th birthday

My birthday is on Monday. And, though none of this will actually happen, this is how my perfect bday weekend would go....

Friday night, we (me, alicia, davey, emily, hez, jamie, philip & chic) would party at Hez's. The usual Friday night but like 14 zillion times better because Philip would be there and it would be a jamie-pepe-bday party blast. So we'd party hard, laugh hard and just enjoy eachothers company. Then Sat. alicia, philip and myself would spend the day at the evil lake drinking tea and just being us--no awkwardness--. Perhaps we'd engage in some illegal birthday festivities too. That'd be fun =] Then Saturday night Jelly, Kristina and myself would hang out and watch movies and eat cookie dough and make gak! That'd be awesome. Then, sun. I would treat myself to the movies! I've never been to the movies by myself before and I'd love to try it. Then Mon., I'd go to school have an AWESOME day and afterwards go out to the usual birthday dinner with my mommy, daddy, Jack and Alicia. And then I'd come home and it would all be over.

....That is how I want to turn 17 years old. =]

Running into myself

"...you're terrified somebodys going to stick you in a cage. Well, baby, you're already in that cage, you built it yourself. And its not bounded in the west by Tulip, Texas or in the east by somali-land. It's wherever you go. Because no matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself."

Those are, in my opinion, the cruelest words anyone has ever said to another human being. Unfortunatly, they are also true. Very very true.

I dont know what to do. I make a healthy decision and I break first chance I get. I need to get out of here. Spring breaks coming up soon. Maybe there's someplace I can go. God, I hope so. I truly truly hope so.

I've been hanging onto nothing

When nothing could be worse than hanging on




Because...I now know you read this-

No. I dont hate you. I never actually did. At most I was hurt and felt abandoned and questioned "what did I do wrong?" however juvenile that might be. But hate is not a word that comes to mind.

The way I see it you could be doing worse. And if this is what actually makes you happy, who am I to judge? It's not what I ever expected and it's certainly not my ideal, but life has never been about ideals, now has it? Life goes on..and so do we. What other choice do we have?

I'm ready to move on now. I really mean it this time. I'm done mourning the creamy council and I'm looking for something new. I dont know what that is yet, who it is yet. I dont know where I'll find it(them) or how long it will take, but I'm okay with that.

Maybe its because I was able to walk my dog in a t-shirt in the middle of February and not be cold...maybe thats the reason I'm okay with things--really and surprisingly okay with them.

You see, the thing about global warming is that its going to happen. We, as human beings, the current dominant species, are terrified that global warming will bring an end to our dominance-possibly existence so we try to fight it by preventing it or at least slowing it down. But is this idea of stepping down really such a bad thing? I mean it has been going on for the past 4.5 billion years. Who are we to stop something as antiquated as change?

Today I read a story about a guy who keeps crickets in jars by his bed. Today I would let them go.

I think I'll go and take a bath instead<3

It's been a while, friend. And though I'm actually much too tired to post I thought I'd just tell you briefly how life is. ..Its better. A lot better. Things still feel kind of broken, but they're looking positive. I still miss... "him" and "she" is finding her way back (or at least learning to manage her time better) but I'm not dwelling on that too much anymore. Its a brand new year and with that comes brand new opportunities so I'm going to grab everyone I can and make the best out of it.

In September of (whoa!) last year, I wrote something in here that a friend had said to me. He said that all rain is useful. I didn't know why it was important at the time, but I know now. And he's right...All rain is quite useful.

And now some song lyrics...Here is how I feel about life<3

Don't know what time it is, I've been up for way too long
and I'm too tired to sleep
I call my mother on the phone, she wasn't home,
and now I'm wondering the street
I've been a fool, I've been cruel to myself
I've been hanging onto nothing
when nothing could be worse than hanging on
And something tells me there must be
something better than all this

I've fallen many times in love and every time
it's been with the wrong man
Still I'm out there living one day at a time
and doing the best I can
Cuz we've all made mistakes
that seem to lead us astray
But every time they helped to get us where we are today
And that's a good a place as any
and it's probably where we're best off anyway

It's a long and rugged road
and we don't now where it's headed
But we know it's going to get us where we're going
And when we find what we're looking for
we'll drop these bags and search no more
'Cuz it's going to feel like heaven when we're home
It's going to feel like heaven when we're home

There's no such thing as perfect,
and if there is we'll fnd it when we're good and dead
Trust me I've been looking
bu tonight I think I'll go and take a bath instead
And then maybe I'll walk a while
and feel the earth beneath me
They say if you stop looking
it doesn't matter if you find it
And whose to say that even if I did
it's what I'm really looking for

It's a long and rugged road
and we don't now where it's headed
But we know it's going to get us where we're going
And when we find what we're looking for
we'll drop these bags and search no more
'Cuz it's going to feel like heaven when we're home
It's going to feel like heaven when we're home