I am Jack's broken heart

When I was little my mom and I got in a fight. I was so furious that I packed my runaway bag. It was a purple Lisa Frank bag with a pink bear who held a paintbrush. The bag itself was insignificant really. It contained a Spice Girls CD, my favorite Barbie, a blanket, some crayons, some paper and my will, meaning who I intended to leave the rest of my stuff with. Sensible, I know. It lasted 3 moves. But when we were kicked out of our house and had to decide what was important to bring, I thought I would never need it. So I left it there under the bed.

I was wrong. I would do anything to have that bag now. My mom and I had a fight last night because I shoveled the walkway incorrectly. No, I am not kidding. She came home, opened the door and started talking about how I am unmotivated and only ever do things half way. So we had a fight. This morning she told me that she didn't like me. My mom is the most beautiful person I've ever met. She's gorgeous. She's had a really hard life and managed to still move on. She raised me by herself and taught me almost everything I know. And... she doesn't like me.

"I can't do this anymore," she said to me. "I can't keep pulling people through life." Okay. Then don't. Because I can't do this anymore, either. I can't keep convincing myself that she does. So I'm done. And I dont know if that means that I completely rebel and go and get a tattoo and smoke a lot of pot or if that means I go through life head down, shut up. Either way I'll be miserable so who the fuck cares?

I bend really far. But I am human and I break too.
I am broken. I am Jack's broken heart.

16 months and I am gone.

My perfect 17th birthday

My birthday is on Monday. And, though none of this will actually happen, this is how my perfect bday weekend would go....

Friday night, we (me, alicia, davey, emily, hez, jamie, philip & chic) would party at Hez's. The usual Friday night but like 14 zillion times better because Philip would be there and it would be a jamie-pepe-bday party blast. So we'd party hard, laugh hard and just enjoy eachothers company. Then Sat. alicia, philip and myself would spend the day at the evil lake drinking tea and just being us--no awkwardness--. Perhaps we'd engage in some illegal birthday festivities too. That'd be fun =] Then Saturday night Jelly, Kristina and myself would hang out and watch movies and eat cookie dough and make gak! That'd be awesome. Then, sun. I would treat myself to the movies! I've never been to the movies by myself before and I'd love to try it. Then Mon., I'd go to school have an AWESOME day and afterwards go out to the usual birthday dinner with my mommy, daddy, Jack and Alicia. And then I'd come home and it would all be over.

....That is how I want to turn 17 years old. =]

Running into myself

"...you're terrified somebodys going to stick you in a cage. Well, baby, you're already in that cage, you built it yourself. And its not bounded in the west by Tulip, Texas or in the east by somali-land. It's wherever you go. Because no matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself."

Those are, in my opinion, the cruelest words anyone has ever said to another human being. Unfortunatly, they are also true. Very very true.

I dont know what to do. I make a healthy decision and I break first chance I get. I need to get out of here. Spring breaks coming up soon. Maybe there's someplace I can go. God, I hope so. I truly truly hope so.

I've been hanging onto nothing

When nothing could be worse than hanging on




Because...I now know you read this-

No. I dont hate you. I never actually did. At most I was hurt and felt abandoned and questioned "what did I do wrong?" however juvenile that might be. But hate is not a word that comes to mind.

The way I see it you could be doing worse. And if this is what actually makes you happy, who am I to judge? It's not what I ever expected and it's certainly not my ideal, but life has never been about ideals, now has it? Life goes on..and so do we. What other choice do we have?

I'm ready to move on now. I really mean it this time. I'm done mourning the creamy council and I'm looking for something new. I dont know what that is yet, who it is yet. I dont know where I'll find it(them) or how long it will take, but I'm okay with that.

Maybe its because I was able to walk my dog in a t-shirt in the middle of February and not be cold...maybe thats the reason I'm okay with things--really and surprisingly okay with them.

You see, the thing about global warming is that its going to happen. We, as human beings, the current dominant species, are terrified that global warming will bring an end to our dominance-possibly existence so we try to fight it by preventing it or at least slowing it down. But is this idea of stepping down really such a bad thing? I mean it has been going on for the past 4.5 billion years. Who are we to stop something as antiquated as change?

Today I read a story about a guy who keeps crickets in jars by his bed. Today I would let them go.

I think I'll go and take a bath instead<3

It's been a while, friend. And though I'm actually much too tired to post I thought I'd just tell you briefly how life is. ..Its better. A lot better. Things still feel kind of broken, but they're looking positive. I still miss... "him" and "she" is finding her way back (or at least learning to manage her time better) but I'm not dwelling on that too much anymore. Its a brand new year and with that comes brand new opportunities so I'm going to grab everyone I can and make the best out of it.

In September of (whoa!) last year, I wrote something in here that a friend had said to me. He said that all rain is useful. I didn't know why it was important at the time, but I know now. And he's right...All rain is quite useful.

And now some song lyrics...Here is how I feel about life<3

Don't know what time it is, I've been up for way too long
and I'm too tired to sleep
I call my mother on the phone, she wasn't home,
and now I'm wondering the street
I've been a fool, I've been cruel to myself
I've been hanging onto nothing
when nothing could be worse than hanging on
And something tells me there must be
something better than all this

I've fallen many times in love and every time
it's been with the wrong man
Still I'm out there living one day at a time
and doing the best I can
Cuz we've all made mistakes
that seem to lead us astray
But every time they helped to get us where we are today
And that's a good a place as any
and it's probably where we're best off anyway

It's a long and rugged road
and we don't now where it's headed
But we know it's going to get us where we're going
And when we find what we're looking for
we'll drop these bags and search no more
'Cuz it's going to feel like heaven when we're home
It's going to feel like heaven when we're home

There's no such thing as perfect,
and if there is we'll fnd it when we're good and dead
Trust me I've been looking
bu tonight I think I'll go and take a bath instead
And then maybe I'll walk a while
and feel the earth beneath me
They say if you stop looking
it doesn't matter if you find it
And whose to say that even if I did
it's what I'm really looking for

It's a long and rugged road
and we don't now where it's headed
But we know it's going to get us where we're going
And when we find what we're looking for
we'll drop these bags and search no more
'Cuz it's going to feel like heaven when we're home
It's going to feel like heaven when we're home

"How I wish you were here"

This is probably the worst poem I've ever written.

Disclaimer: This poem is about as emo as I get. I apologize, truly. Also, I was listening to Pink Floyd [for reasons obvious to me..and no, not you Kristina] and this work is a DIRECT RESULT of "Hey You".

Where are you?
Walking down this road
you were with me,
but now you are gone.
You found an escape route
now you are out
and here I am alone.

Where are you?
I loved your faces
but now they are tainted
and I find no solace
in the visage of others.
You're trying to leave,
but dont you see?
You're just leaving me alone.

Where are you?
If you wont return
then I'll move on.
I'll find comfort with no face
He's got to be here somewhere
on these wintered streets.
Go on now, pack your bags.
Leave me with these rags.
I wont always be alone.

Where are you?
I'm just curious now.
Turns out the faceless
just don't compare.
I bet you're nowhere near
but 'how I wish you were here."
(Just seems to be)
I'm always alone without you.

**Oct. 27th, 2008 --> I'm reading through old posts. This poem is awful. It was something I needed to write and there are about 70 different versions. When I finally finished the last version, months after this one, I felt better.**

No clever title.

Magix Evrywhere (12:23:10 AM): There are 3 people in this WHOLE WORLD that I dont trust. And they were the 3 people I once trusted the most.