Thursday, August 23, 2007

A life worth living

So after a long night of Gilmore Girl watching and singing with my mom I'm ready to write...

The basics:
New Zealand was incredible. We did so much that I cant even begin to explain. The scenery was the most beautiful in the whole world, I swear by it! The adventures were unbeatable. The people too incredible for words. It was just fantastic. I guarantee that in 20 years I will still say that its the best place ever.

My revelations:
The most important one is this-that you will never understand my revelations. I could explain them with more adjectives then you thought possible and go into details that would make you weep, but you'd never "get them" In order to understand what I now understand you'd have to be in the middle of nowhere dancing on a bridge over the bluest water, surrounded by the greenest trees looking out at beautiful snow capped mountains. And even then, you'd realize something completely different.

But, for arguments sake: Life sucks. At times, it feels like just one hardship after another. Sometimes, you wonder if you'll even survive another day. Some of us don't. However, those of us that do are greeted every morning by the sun. Every single bloody day is another chance for life to improve, and one day it will. Then, years later, you'll look back and think wow, its almost laughable now, because you learned just how strong you are to have survived such hardships. Thats what I did while I was in New Zealand. I laughed. I laughed because I could, because no one in the entire world could stop me. Life. Is. Beautiful. I say it so much its lost a lot of its edge, but I promise its the truth. Life is beautiful not because it weakens you, but because it strengthens you. It pushes you to the point of exhaustion. But, if you don't let it break you, then it wont...because it can't.

Me trying to explain any of this to you is useless. Thats another thing I realized on my trip. In the beginning of The Picture of Dorian Gray, Oscar Wilde's prologue says that "All art is quite useless." When I originally read this I don't think I understood it. Then once I "understood" it, I didn't like it. But now, I get it. I don't just "understand" it, I GET it. It means that for billions and billions of years people-artists-have been trying to capture life. But, how can you capture something that abstract? And why would you want to capture something that beautiful? To capture something so incredible as the embers dying out in a fire, someone making love for the first time, someone parachuting from a plane, or even someone dying...if you could capture something that incredible then what would be the point of living at all? Its the fact that you and only you can truly experience these things that makes life useful, and art...quite useless. Quite useless... like everything I'm saying now.

On the plane ride home I watched American Beauty for the first time, and I find it necessary to quote it now--

"Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life... You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry... you will someday."

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