Wednesday, November 28, 2007

"How I wish you were here"

This is probably the worst poem I've ever written.

Disclaimer: This poem is about as emo as I get. I apologize, truly. Also, I was listening to Pink Floyd [for reasons obvious to me..and no, not you Kristina] and this work is a DIRECT RESULT of "Hey You".

Where are you?
Walking down this road
you were with me,
but now you are gone.
You found an escape route
now you are out
and here I am alone.

Where are you?
I loved your faces
but now they are tainted
and I find no solace
in the visage of others.
You're trying to leave,
but dont you see?
You're just leaving me alone.

Where are you?
If you wont return
then I'll move on.
I'll find comfort with no face
He's got to be here somewhere
on these wintered streets.
Go on now, pack your bags.
Leave me with these rags.
I wont always be alone.

Where are you?
I'm just curious now.
Turns out the faceless
just don't compare.
I bet you're nowhere near
but 'how I wish you were here."
(Just seems to be)
I'm always alone without you.

**Oct. 27th, 2008 --> I'm reading through old posts. This poem is awful. It was something I needed to write and there are about 70 different versions. When I finally finished the last version, months after this one, I felt better.**

Sunday, November 18, 2007

No clever title.

Magix Evrywhere (12:23:10 AM): There are 3 people in this WHOLE WORLD that I dont trust. And they were the 3 people I once trusted the most.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Life goes on... (in which direction?)

-Start the Broken Record-

Hm. So, things have been mildly better. The three of us were supposed to hang out today, but Philip went home sick so it was just me and alicia. And, while it would have been 480438 times better with was nice. There was no tension, no secrets, just us. And I dont know.

I think its time to pick up and move on. Just get over it. I mean I'm not going to pull away if they're willing to make amends, but if this is just temporary....then whatever. Life goes on, right? Its not like they're my ONLY friends...they just happen to be the best.

So here's the deal: Jackie's sweet 16 is this Saturday. There are going to be lots of kids from EB. New people; New chances. Not to mention Jackie, myself and her supposedly wicked awesome friend Molly(who I have yet to meet) are going clubbing soon. Peut ĂȘtre, it is time to leave that Creamy Council stage of my life. Peut ĂȘtre, it is time to enter a new stage. The Jackie/Molly/clubbing stage. I dont know. The thing is, is that I'm pumped for this. I've been waiting all my life for this. But- at the same time, can I leave 'walking around in the snow discussing the advantages and disadvantages of religion on modern day society'? Can I really put aside my theological/philosophical questions for a hot guy to grind with? For a night? Psh-hell yeah! For a week? Probably. Any longer? ...I dont know.

If the secret to life is balance, why do I feel like I have to choose which road I go down? Actually, DO I have a choice? I feel like this choice is to be determined by others, which means I'm not in control of myself. No, thats not okay. "Self-reverence, self-knowledge, self-control; these 3 alone lead to sovereign power." Well thats fucking fine and dandy, but I feel like I'm not in control. How do I regain control of my life without Philip and Alicia? ...I contradict myself, I am aware. But they are my life. They taught my how to live and without them...well its a lot harder.

Can I survive without them? Yeah, I can. Do I want to? my god, no. I would do almost ANYTHING to avoid that. But truthfully, I dont see what I can do. Quite honestly, the ball is in their court and if they dont want to play it, then game over. My god, I want them to drag me to the Evil Lake sit me down for tea and then throw me in and make me swim with Nessie. I want to swim to the other side and get lost in a world we dont understand. I want to sit in my basement and feel utterly inferior to two of the greatest young (and soon to be wasted) minds, I've ever met. [The reason they are soon to be wasted: Pot-enough said. Well thats one, but the other? Great-you have a boyfriend. BUT DONT FUCK UP 11 YEARS OF BEING A STRAIGHT A STUDENT BECAUSE OF IT! Thats just not acceptable, hun! Do my grades even compare to yours? As a rule, hell no! But this marking period? THEY'RE FUCKING CLOSE! Yeah, great for me who's been getting shitty grades for the past 5 years but you? NO! A 'C' and 3 'B's is NOT okay for you. And I can sit here and agree with you about it being hard, but the truth is, is that its because you're distracted.]

So do I say "fuck 'em" and make new friends or do I keep hanging on? Someone needs to walk up to me and just give me a cut and dry answer. "Forget it" or "Hold on"-- A sign, a simple sign...thats all I need.

I dont know. I was in a good mood and was going to sit down to write good things. Then my mind wandered....god, what a scary place. I appologize to whoever may actually read this. But everyone needs someone to bitch to. My friends are on "holiday" so I've got to settle for this.

-End the Broken Record-

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Abandon all hope, ye who enter in

Well, you should never abandon hope, even when you're feeling abandoned. Yes, that is how I feel. Abandoned.

I miss you-both of you. Do you miss me too? Or are you too preoccupied with your new sources of entertainment?
Do they ease the pain of being you? I know being you isnt easy, but I always thought that was the reason why we were friends. But I guess its easier to hide from something all together than it is to face it, even if you have friends to help you. Unfortunately, I dont believe in the easy way out. But if I did, I'd join you--I guess. Well, I know thats the reason for one abandonment, but whats the other?
Boredom? Could it really be that selfish? 6 years of friendship, of the most honest sort, and you're bored? Well, I know you very well. And unfortunately, I know this is probably the truth. Its just boredom.

Well neither of you will ever read this, I have faith in that, so I have no problem saying this. You told me it was okay to be me. 6 years ago one of you told me it was okay to be me. And then a year ago, the other reassured that and gave me a purpose. Well, now that you're gone I'm left with a lot of people who dont appreciate me being me. And I cant help but think that if I knew I'd be abandoned...I would have taken the blue pill. Now I know this isnt true. I'd never give this up, but its lonely and its hard and I wish you two would just...I dont even know. Stop? But whats to stop? Your distractions? Well, your happy with your distractions so it would be selfish of me to pull you away. I dont know--I just miss you.

.Broken Record Ended.