Exciting Time to be Alive

her3ticmind: what the hell do you do when you're not sleeping

her3ticmind: it's probably kinda dark out and either early or late to do anything!

Magix Evrywhere: read? write? sketch?Think?

Magix Evrywhere: go for a walk? observe the night?

her3ticmind: of course. how can I forget

her3ticmind: you're one of those weirdos.

=] Yes. I am one of those weirdos. One of those weirdos who respects and admires the beauty of the world she lives in and life itself? Referring back to that wonderful movie, Waking Life....I mean this is the most exciting time we could have ever hoped to be alive. I realize it doesn't always seem like that, but it is. Simply because we are right here, right now. Because we are filled with energy that can be turned into sooo many useful things, like passion. Of course, passion can start war, but it can also end it. Passion can pretty much start or end anything. But here, I digress. The point is, we're on the brink of so many technological and scientific advances. So yes, there is your excitement. But lets forget that for a moment shall we? What about the one thing thats truly remained consistent through out the years? What about nature? Isnt it terribly exciting to walk outside and make your way through the yellow haze look up and see a rainbow? Of course it is!

For this I am greatful. So...bite me =P

I feel so young and old at the same time. Old at mind; Young at heart. ...and 16 physically, but we'll ignore that part. =D

Banter of No Importance

UPDATE- 15 days 'til I leave for New Zealand.

So. Schools out. I miss it. I hate not being in a learning environment. But I suppose in 15 days it wont matter much. I mean the entire point to this venture is to learn, ne-cest pas?

Confession: Now that its getting closer, I'm begining to have those stupid last minute doubts. What if something goes wrong? What if its boring? What if my dad is right and I really WILL miss him and everyone else? (<- This one is pointless to think because its NOT going to happen! Except mommy and Jack. I'll miss them terribly.) I'm certainly not regretting the trip or even considering not going or anything of the sort!!!! But, I'm just getting nervous. Its expected, I suppose. Banter: I'm in the mood to think, but I'm mildly brain dead at the moment. Like, I sat down to write and I'm feeling empty. Don't you HATE that? As a rule, my mind is working so fast I can not keep up! I usually lose whatever it was I was thinking about before ever getting a chance to truly grok it, but now I'm just..empty. No thoughts. No poetry. No life.

Clearly, I have gotten lost in the dull-droms(sp?) somewhere. Thus, this entire post can be summed up in one syllable... "ick" Okay, this is irritating me now. I'm going to dream...I'm going to be inspired. Oh--a thought! Why dreams are important:

.....I think dreams are like gasoline. We need them. They are what keep our minds running--like cars. People who coast around on an empty tank do just that; Only coast. It is the dreamers who ride down the autobahn.

Contemplate later when mind decides to function.

OH! and...I MISS GOZICK!!!!

Somewhat as beautiful as his own nature<3

Today was my last day with Gozick. I've never been more happy or sad more pathetically hopeful in my entire life. I spent two periods with him (Mine and then Kristina's) and its funny because he ended the second period with the final line in The Great Gatsby (almost to the bell....great timing)

"Tomorrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms farther.... And one fine morning--
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past."

I have to admit in the beginning of the year I hated his reading voice. I thought it was awfully monotonic and dull. Only recently did I come to the conclusion that Mr. Gozick's voice, much like everything else about him, is all about subtlety. The pauses are not because he's still trippin' from the 60's...they are there because he's awe-struck by the beauty of the words escaping from his lips. When he's angered by the readings his voice becomes slightly deeper and when he's in love with what he is reading it becomes lighter and airier.
Anyway, hearing him read that quote in his subtle passionate voice...it made me want to cry. And if I hadn't been in a room of unappreciative sixteen year olds, I would have. But they don't understand the literary orgasm (something only Michelle and Kristina get!!!) and I'm not certain they ever will....even though I do hope so. But even if they do not, thats not a bad thing. Its just a different thing. Another thing that Gozick has taught me this year is to not fret over the fact that there are so few like "us", but to appreciate the few like "us". If there was a room full of Emersons would it not depreciate the value of his words?
I can't get over how much that man has taught me. I could write a book, "Life lessons from a sexy Goat." lol, well, I'm not sure I'll do that, but every word that man has uttered to me will forever be ingrained in my head. I can't let go of his words--that would be letting go of who I've become this year. Which, I owe largely to him. He changed me....for the better, I think--I hope.
Patience, Appreciation, Subtlety, The value of life and the beautiful people in it? Those are all things I learned from him. And thats all on top of Holden's emo mentality and Gatsby's dreams...not to mention everything on Transcendentalism (which should be an entirely separate class.) I'd give my soul to marry that man. --No, not even that. Honestly, I don't think I'd want to marry him. I could never marry someone that great for fear of constantly looking inferior. But to be his pupil for the rest of eternity? Yes, I would give my soul. But the best part is, I don't have to. Mr. Gozick will always be my teacher. For those of you that get this, he's like the evolved form of Mrs. Marech. The thing about her, was that while she saw greatness in me she was never great herself...which is why she wanted me to be great. To make up for her--vicariously great almost. But Gozick? I can only hope to be half as great as he is.
So my intent was to write about something completely different. But, thats okay. Mr. Gozick deserves this, at LEAST. So, conclusively, I will share a quote that was not only introduced to me by this phenomenal man, but one that describes him perfectly as well:

"In the tranquil landscape, and especially in the distant line of the horizon,
man beholds somewhat as beautiful as his own nature"
--Ralph Waldo Emerson

Oh, btw--I hugged him today+ he hugged me back. ...he smells nice =]

A Follow Up

So I was reading my blogs and I noticed I never put up my solution for my English paper (as written in "Bit o' Bullshit, Bit o' Dilemma")

My solution?
Well...I went to Mr. Gozick saying I didnt know what to write about, because I was happy with who I was. So, he said, "then write I am perfect on a sheet of paper and hand it in"Now, I would have done this, except "perfect" is one of those funny conceptual words. Most people hear perfect and picture Eden. But, I believe that "perfect" means being happy with the bad. So I essentially wrote my essay on the meaning of perfection and concluded with.... "So yes, Mr Gozick....I am perfect"

It made me smile. ...He never said what he thought of it, mostly because I'm almost certain he hasnt read them yet. (Forgive him, he's deep and beautiful..we cant expect him to be a quick grader too!) Someone remind me to ask him about them on Monday.

Its only life after all<3

"But oh how I loved everybody else when I finally got to talk so much about myself" --Dar Williams
...THAT is the reason everyone should keep a blog. =]

ANYWAY...well, first I need to state (for confessional purposes) that this past week or so has been...interesting? Illegal and plain ol' bad. lol.

Okay, so my thoughts of the day are as followed:

-First day without Shannon. Miss her already =/

-I think that this year has been wonderful for me. Everything that needed to happen (good and bad) has happened. I feel like because of this year, meaning; the people I've met, all the things I've experienced..because of all of it, I am a better person. I feel different now then I did in the begining of the year. Ya know, on your birthday people always say "Well, how does it feel to be 16?" ...you usually stare at them and smile politely for lack of anything else to say? Well, I can honestly say it feels different to be 16.
This year I learned something I didnt know existed: PATIENCE. I dont know how it happened, and I dont remember it happening, but it did. I've learned to wait for people to come to you instead of confronting them. Today, a friend was complaining about how another friend is keeping a secret from her. And I remember being in seventh grade and freaking out about that. IT WAS THE END OF THE WORLD, right? nope. Not even close...it just means that some people like there privacy and if they want to talk...they will. I mean, I certainly have no personal experience with the concept being as open as I am, but thats me. I think its relieving to tell people things...but, I guess not everyone thinks like that. And, thats okay.
I've always been "okay" with people who are "different". But, I've never had personal experience with it. I was just okay with it because I had no reason not to be. But, that has been put to the test and I officially feel assured in my calling myself liberal. I'm not racist. I'm not sexist. I'm not homophobic. I'm a member of the human race and so are all of you, no matter what. So what difference does it make what color your skin is or who you sleep with?
I think one of the most important things I've learned this year is that no matter how alone you feel, you're never alone. Ever. There is an estimated 6,602,224,175 people in the world. You're going to tell me that out of that many people there is not one person who understands you? Who connects with you and is willing to feel your pain with you, and love with you and laugh with you? Being "awkward" I know I've felt alone before. But this year? I got to meet and get to know some of the most amazing people ever. People who understand every bit of insanity that spews from my mouth. I really got to spend some quality time with Shannon (I hope she's having fun), and Becky and Sarah. I met Sarah Meehan who is one of the coolest most respectable people I've ever met. Alicia, Philip and myself have become hopelessly close and formed a bond no one else could understand. (or would want to for that matter). Mr Gozick, who along with being physically beautiful, has the most beautiful soul I've ever encountered. Every time I speak to him I learn something. Albeit, something small or life altering. Mrs. Cochran has become almost a mother to me. Or at least my conscience. If I succeed at something she's the first person I tell and if I fail...well, I either go to her for advice or try to hide it from her so she wont yell at me. Jelly, who has given me the pleasure of being one of her trustees. Emily Carroll, a beautiful person with an amazing flare for creativity. Kristina Esopo who takes on everyones burdens in spite of her own. Alicia Sarcone who just allows me to be a bitch and painfully honest when I want to be. Josh, who on top of being absolutely adorable is an inspiration. ....Damn. This list is long. My god, there are soooo many more. But, I'll stop the list here because I have more to say. The sad thing is, is that I dont even know if these people can fathom what they've done for me. They're so beautiful. Everyday, they inspire me and there are no words for how grateful I am to have them grace my life.
My "year" started the day school got out. I had the most amazing summer (so far...though this upcoming one will be better) I spent it with some awesome people. Then school started and I met more amazing people and amazing things kept happening. Months later brings us up to date and I dont regret a single day of it. (yes, even last friday or monday!) I look at the people in my life and the circumstance I've had to overcome and the things I've been blessed with...has there ever been a luckier person than I? Ever? Well, I really dont think so. (lol, my brother just stomped by..he's angry. But he wont be....'cause in 6 years he'll be sitting at a computer screen writing the same thing, because he is an outstanding kid. I dont even have to bother saving the world because if I dont, I know he will.) Anyway, I think I'm out of things to say. I mean, I have to admit I sat down in a decently icky mood, but after thinking...whats to be upset about? Listen, my life isn't perfect. Its SOOOOO far from. My brother, my mom, my nana, myself...we were kicked out of her house and lived in my aunts basement for 3 months. Half my family on my moms side doesn't talk to the other. My dads side of the family...they're all horrible people honestly (except my dad..he's a good guy) I had "the freshmen disease" really badly. I spent a good portion of my life friendless....no, thats not perfect. But, thats okay. Infact, thats wonderful. Just because that stuff happened doesn't mean I regret a second of it. If it wasn't for all of this (and so much more) would I be who I am? Probably not. To quote my wonderful friend Josh, "All rain is useful." And yes...its true.
I realize this is a long entry, but I just have one more thing to say. Thank you. This thank you is to everyone in the list above, and to everyone I left out--because...

"The best thing you've ever done for me,
is to help me take my life less seriously,
its only life after all"
-Indigo Girls-

Oh, P.S. Though I miss her...I know I'll be okay without her. Have an amazing time in Ireland, and I'll do the same in New Zealand. Love you Shannon Krizzni aka Captain Shadow.<3 See you in the fall.