"How I wish you were here"

This is probably the worst poem I've ever written.

Disclaimer: This poem is about as emo as I get. I apologize, truly. Also, I was listening to Pink Floyd [for reasons obvious to me..and no, not you Kristina] and this work is a DIRECT RESULT of "Hey You".

Where are you?
Walking down this road
you were with me,
but now you are gone.
You found an escape route
now you are out
and here I am alone.

Where are you?
I loved your faces
but now they are tainted
and I find no solace
in the visage of others.
You're trying to leave,
but dont you see?
You're just leaving me alone.

Where are you?
If you wont return
then I'll move on.
I'll find comfort with no face
He's got to be here somewhere
on these wintered streets.
Go on now, pack your bags.
Leave me with these rags.
I wont always be alone.

Where are you?
I'm just curious now.
Turns out the faceless
just don't compare.
I bet you're nowhere near
but 'how I wish you were here."
(Just seems to be)
I'm always alone without you.

**Oct. 27th, 2008 --> I'm reading through old posts. This poem is awful. It was something I needed to write and there are about 70 different versions. When I finally finished the last version, months after this one, I felt better.**

No clever title.

Magix Evrywhere (12:23:10 AM): There are 3 people in this WHOLE WORLD that I dont trust. And they were the 3 people I once trusted the most.

Life goes on... (in which direction?)

-Start the Broken Record-

Hm. So, things have been mildly better. The three of us were supposed to hang out today, but Philip went home sick so it was just me and alicia. And, while it would have been 480438 times better with Philip...it was nice. There was no tension, no secrets, just us. And I dont know.

I think its time to pick up and move on. Just get over it. I mean I'm not going to pull away if they're willing to make amends, but if this is just temporary....then whatever. Life goes on, right? Its not like they're my ONLY friends...they just happen to be the best.

So here's the deal: Jackie's sweet 16 is this Saturday. There are going to be lots of kids from EB. New people; New chances. Not to mention Jackie, myself and her supposedly wicked awesome friend Molly(who I have yet to meet) are going clubbing soon. Peut être, it is time to leave that Creamy Council stage of my life. Peut être, it is time to enter a new stage. The Jackie/Molly/clubbing stage. I dont know. The thing is, is that I'm pumped for this. I've been waiting all my life for this. But- at the same time, can I leave 'walking around in the snow discussing the advantages and disadvantages of religion on modern day society'? Can I really put aside my theological/philosophical questions for a hot guy to grind with? For a night? Psh-hell yeah! For a week? Probably. Any longer? ...I dont know.

If the secret to life is balance, why do I feel like I have to choose which road I go down? Actually, DO I have a choice? I feel like this choice is to be determined by others, which means I'm not in control of myself. No, thats not okay. "Self-reverence, self-knowledge, self-control; these 3 alone lead to sovereign power." Well thats fucking fine and dandy, but I feel like I'm not in control. How do I regain control of my life without Philip and Alicia? ...I contradict myself, I am aware. But they are my life. They taught my how to live and without them...well its a lot harder.

Can I survive without them? Yeah, I can. Do I want to? my god, no. I would do almost ANYTHING to avoid that. But truthfully, I dont see what I can do. Quite honestly, the ball is in their court and if they dont want to play it, then game over. My god, I want them to drag me to the Evil Lake sit me down for tea and then throw me in and make me swim with Nessie. I want to swim to the other side and get lost in a world we dont understand. I want to sit in my basement and feel utterly inferior to two of the greatest young (and soon to be wasted) minds, I've ever met. [The reason they are soon to be wasted: Pot-enough said. Well thats one, but the other? Great-you have a boyfriend. BUT DONT FUCK UP 11 YEARS OF BEING A STRAIGHT A STUDENT BECAUSE OF IT! Thats just not acceptable, hun! Do my grades even compare to yours? As a rule, hell no! But this marking period? THEY'RE FUCKING CLOSE! Yeah, great for me who's been getting shitty grades for the past 5 years but you? NO! A 'C' and 3 'B's is NOT okay for you. And I can sit here and agree with you about it being hard, but the truth is, is that its because you're distracted.]

So do I say "fuck 'em" and make new friends or do I keep hanging on? Someone needs to walk up to me and just give me a cut and dry answer. "Forget it" or "Hold on"-- A sign, a simple sign...thats all I need.

I dont know. I was in a good mood and was going to sit down to write good things. Then my mind wandered....god, what a scary place. I appologize to whoever may actually read this. But everyone needs someone to bitch to. My friends are on "holiday" so I've got to settle for this.

-End the Broken Record-

Abandon all hope, ye who enter in

Well, you should never abandon hope, even when you're feeling abandoned. Yes, that is how I feel. Abandoned.

I miss you-both of you. Do you miss me too? Or are you too preoccupied with your new sources of entertainment?
Do they ease the pain of being you? I know being you isnt easy, but I always thought that was the reason why we were friends. But I guess its easier to hide from something all together than it is to face it, even if you have friends to help you. Unfortunately, I dont believe in the easy way out. But if I did, I'd join you--I guess. Well, I know thats the reason for one abandonment, but whats the other?
Boredom? Could it really be that selfish? 6 years of friendship, of the most honest sort, and you're bored? Well, I know you very well. And unfortunately, I know this is probably the truth. Its just boredom.

Well neither of you will ever read this, I have faith in that, so I have no problem saying this. You told me it was okay to be me. 6 years ago one of you told me it was okay to be me. And then a year ago, the other reassured that and gave me a purpose. Well, now that you're gone I'm left with a lot of people who dont appreciate me being me. And I cant help but think that if I knew I'd be abandoned...I would have taken the blue pill. Now I know this isnt true. I'd never give this up, but its lonely and its hard and I wish you two would just...I dont even know. Stop? But whats to stop? Your distractions? Well, your happy with your distractions so it would be selfish of me to pull you away. I dont know--I just miss you.

.Broken Record Ended.

A day like the weather

I haven't written in here in awhile. I've needed to, but haven't. But, I know its really time to write when I start ranting at the Gozick in my head.

On my way to school this morning my mom decided she was going to start ranting at me about college. Because I was a) listening to my ipod and b) still adjusting to being awake I was not very interested. Somehow or another, she got the impression that I'm not interested in going to college and blah blah blah. Apparently, I had to decide the rest of my life this morning on the way to school. (For the record, I'm not only interested in going to college, but ecstatic about it.)
My day increased drastically when I showed my English teacher a poem I had written the night before and she said it was fabulous. Mrs. Cochran is not a woman who just gives out compliments. You have to work your ass off to earn them. And I did =] I was sooo pleased that I actually went around showing it to everyone. My day remained peachy up until I got home.
I dont even know what to say. My brother is an idiot and home life is just stressful at the moment. So its icky!
I have a lot more to say, but its nothing I want to make public, so this was a lost cause, I suppose. I'll just continue ranting to the Gozick in my head and hopefully things will improve.

Yeah, my day has been like the weather...ever changing. Anyway, here's the poem I guess. Its not finished but I'm proud of what I have:

I am confined
by the barricades of artistry.
Billy wasn’t kidding when he warned us of the walls.
Bedecked with deep, petty emotions,
I am contained by them.

He spoke of a window.
That which saw through
the absurd metaphysics
and frivolous mysticism.

I hope to find that window
and to wade through it all;
to escape the metallic ice
of love and despair.
I want to know what lies
beyond the limits of truth

But the truth
is that I cant.
No poet or sculptor can
because we built these walls of abstractions.
Walt warned us to solidify;
So we did.

It’s all quite useless
Oscar insincerely advised.
But we pay him no mind
and continue building our walls
and trapping ourselves inside.
Because outside of that window
art does not exist
only vital circumstance.

TaDa.

A greener means of happiness

So this isnt exactly, "tomorrow" but I forgot. So, here's "tomorrows" rant...

I hate pot. Actually, no this isnt true. Pot is alright. I hate amazing people who arent okay with being themselves. I hate strong people who choose to be weak. I hate when people choose feeling comfortable with drugs rather than feeling comfortable with friends. I hate crying over a friendship I'm not sure is going to last. ....I hate crying over you.

I miss you. You're one of my best friends. Usually, you make me feel safe and intelligent; Important and capable. But, at the moment, you just make me feel bad. I feel bad because I pretended to be okay with it. And I feel bad because afterwards I ignored you and then I yelled at you. But mostly I feel bad because we're not together. The three of us, the Creamy Council...we're not together. You and I are not together because drugs stand in the way. You and her arent together for the same reason.The other one and myself are not together because we just had a fight over how to deal with you. ...We've never had a fight before. Please please please realize that drugs dont just fuck you up. They fuck everything and everybody up. ....I miss you.

All rain is useful

I don't really have much to say but I havent posted in awhile, so I figured what the hell.

So some of the best advice I've ever gotten is "all rain is useful." It has yet to apply to my actual life but I feel it is something I need to carry with me because one day I will need it. I don't know why I say that, other than the fact that it was just floating about my head all day. I had a horrible day, but...it was followed by a marvelous night, so its okay.

On second thought, I do have something to say, but I am far too happy and far too sleepy to go into a rant about disappointing people. You know those beautiful, brilliant people who suffer from too much boredom and then risk their brilliance on something as stupid as drugs??? Well, I'll save that rant for tomorrow.

Well...all rain is useful<3

A life worth living

So after a long night of Gilmore Girl watching and singing with my mom I'm ready to write...

The basics:
New Zealand was incredible. We did so much that I cant even begin to explain. The scenery was the most beautiful in the whole world, I swear by it! The adventures were unbeatable. The people too incredible for words. It was just fantastic. I guarantee that in 20 years I will still say that its the best place ever.

My revelations:
The most important one is this-that you will never understand my revelations. I could explain them with more adjectives then you thought possible and go into details that would make you weep, but you'd never "get them" In order to understand what I now understand you'd have to be in the middle of nowhere dancing on a bridge over the bluest water, surrounded by the greenest trees looking out at beautiful snow capped mountains. And even then, you'd realize something completely different.

But, for arguments sake: Life sucks. At times, it feels like just one hardship after another. Sometimes, you wonder if you'll even survive another day. Some of us don't. However, those of us that do are greeted every morning by the sun. Every single bloody day is another chance for life to improve, and one day it will. Then, years later, you'll look back and think wow, its almost laughable now, because you learned just how strong you are to have survived such hardships. Thats what I did while I was in New Zealand. I laughed. I laughed because I could, because no one in the entire world could stop me. Life. Is. Beautiful. I say it so much its lost a lot of its edge, but I promise its the truth. Life is beautiful not because it weakens you, but because it strengthens you. It pushes you to the point of exhaustion. But, if you don't let it break you, then it wont...because it can't.

Me trying to explain any of this to you is useless. Thats another thing I realized on my trip. In the beginning of The Picture of Dorian Gray, Oscar Wilde's prologue says that "All art is quite useless." When I originally read this I don't think I understood it. Then once I "understood" it, I didn't like it. But now, I get it. I don't just "understand" it, I GET it. It means that for billions and billions of years people-artists-have been trying to capture life. But, how can you capture something that abstract? And why would you want to capture something that beautiful? To capture something so incredible as the embers dying out in a fire, someone making love for the first time, someone parachuting from a plane, or even someone dying...if you could capture something that incredible then what would be the point of living at all? Its the fact that you and only you can truly experience these things that makes life useful, and art...quite useless. Quite useless... like everything I'm saying now.

On the plane ride home I watched American Beauty for the first time, and I find it necessary to quote it now--

"Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life... You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry... you will someday."

A brief greeting

Hello! Bonjour! You were all missed.

Well, terribly sorry I did not write while I was away, but I never got to a computer. And terribly sorry it took me a week after being home to sit down to this thing. Well, I have a lot to say, but unfortunately I'm not in the mood to say it, so it shall wait. I just didn't want to go much longer without updating. We are creatures of habit, after all, and this is not a habit I wanted to break.

So, I will update (soon) about my learnings in the New Land of Zea, but not tonight. For I am far too quirky. =]

I bid adieu..

Well, this is the last time I'm going to get to write in here before I leave on the greatest adventure mankind has ever known! Okay, well...I may be exaggerating a wee bit, but 5 1/2 weeks in Fiji and New Zealand with your best friend at age 16 isnt half bad!

I can not fucking believe this is actually happening! I was just telling my friend Josh about all the things we're doing there. We're doing everything! I mean, I dont even know what were doing while we're in Fiji, but New Zealand is the extreme sports capitol of the world! We're doing it all! (Except bungee jump...I'm not allowed, lol) And forget about what I'm doing physically! What about the mental development while I'm there? There is no possible way for me to come back the same way I left. This trip is going to change me forever. I can only hope that it is the most positive change imaginable.

And I plan to write everyday! A story, a poem, a recap of what we did that day, anything! I need to write my brains out while I am there! That way I'll have some good stuff to post on here ;]

Okay, well...I'm going to miss you guys like crazy. If I get on the internet while we're there I'll try to post something so keep checking up, alright? I love you all. Have a great couple of weeks! And, "Go be awesome!!!"

See you all Aug. 13th!

Exciting Time to be Alive

her3ticmind: what the hell do you do when you're not sleeping

her3ticmind: it's probably kinda dark out and either early or late to do anything!

Magix Evrywhere: read? write? sketch?Think?

Magix Evrywhere: go for a walk? observe the night?

her3ticmind: of course. how can I forget

her3ticmind: you're one of those weirdos.

=] Yes. I am one of those weirdos. One of those weirdos who respects and admires the beauty of the world she lives in and life itself? Referring back to that wonderful movie, Waking Life....I mean this is the most exciting time we could have ever hoped to be alive. I realize it doesn't always seem like that, but it is. Simply because we are right here, right now. Because we are filled with energy that can be turned into sooo many useful things, like passion. Of course, passion can start war, but it can also end it. Passion can pretty much start or end anything. But here, I digress. The point is, we're on the brink of so many technological and scientific advances. So yes, there is your excitement. But lets forget that for a moment shall we? What about the one thing thats truly remained consistent through out the years? What about nature? Isnt it terribly exciting to walk outside and make your way through the yellow haze look up and see a rainbow? Of course it is!

For this I am greatful. So...bite me =P

I feel so young and old at the same time. Old at mind; Young at heart. ...and 16 physically, but we'll ignore that part. =D

Banter of No Importance

UPDATE- 15 days 'til I leave for New Zealand.

So. Schools out. I miss it. I hate not being in a learning environment. But I suppose in 15 days it wont matter much. I mean the entire point to this venture is to learn, ne-cest pas?

Confession: Now that its getting closer, I'm begining to have those stupid last minute doubts. What if something goes wrong? What if its boring? What if my dad is right and I really WILL miss him and everyone else? (<- This one is pointless to think because its NOT going to happen! Except mommy and Jack. I'll miss them terribly.) I'm certainly not regretting the trip or even considering not going or anything of the sort!!!! But, I'm just getting nervous. Its expected, I suppose. Banter: I'm in the mood to think, but I'm mildly brain dead at the moment. Like, I sat down to write and I'm feeling empty. Don't you HATE that? As a rule, my mind is working so fast I can not keep up! I usually lose whatever it was I was thinking about before ever getting a chance to truly grok it, but now I'm just..empty. No thoughts. No poetry. No life.

Clearly, I have gotten lost in the dull-droms(sp?) somewhere. Thus, this entire post can be summed up in one syllable... "ick" Okay, this is irritating me now. I'm going to dream...I'm going to be inspired. Oh--a thought! Why dreams are important:

.....I think dreams are like gasoline. We need them. They are what keep our minds running--like cars. People who coast around on an empty tank do just that; Only coast. It is the dreamers who ride down the autobahn.

Contemplate later when mind decides to function.

OH! and...I MISS GOZICK!!!!

Somewhat as beautiful as his own nature<3

Today was my last day with Gozick. I've never been more happy or sad more pathetically hopeful in my entire life. I spent two periods with him (Mine and then Kristina's) and its funny because he ended the second period with the final line in The Great Gatsby (almost to the bell....great timing)

"Tomorrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms farther.... And one fine morning--
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past."

I have to admit in the beginning of the year I hated his reading voice. I thought it was awfully monotonic and dull. Only recently did I come to the conclusion that Mr. Gozick's voice, much like everything else about him, is all about subtlety. The pauses are not because he's still trippin' from the 60's...they are there because he's awe-struck by the beauty of the words escaping from his lips. When he's angered by the readings his voice becomes slightly deeper and when he's in love with what he is reading it becomes lighter and airier.
Anyway, hearing him read that quote in his subtle passionate voice...it made me want to cry. And if I hadn't been in a room of unappreciative sixteen year olds, I would have. But they don't understand the literary orgasm (something only Michelle and Kristina get!!!) and I'm not certain they ever will....even though I do hope so. But even if they do not, thats not a bad thing. Its just a different thing. Another thing that Gozick has taught me this year is to not fret over the fact that there are so few like "us", but to appreciate the few like "us". If there was a room full of Emersons would it not depreciate the value of his words?
I can't get over how much that man has taught me. I could write a book, "Life lessons from a sexy Goat." lol, well, I'm not sure I'll do that, but every word that man has uttered to me will forever be ingrained in my head. I can't let go of his words--that would be letting go of who I've become this year. Which, I owe largely to him. He changed me....for the better, I think--I hope.
Patience, Appreciation, Subtlety, The value of life and the beautiful people in it? Those are all things I learned from him. And thats all on top of Holden's emo mentality and Gatsby's dreams...not to mention everything on Transcendentalism (which should be an entirely separate class.) I'd give my soul to marry that man. --No, not even that. Honestly, I don't think I'd want to marry him. I could never marry someone that great for fear of constantly looking inferior. But to be his pupil for the rest of eternity? Yes, I would give my soul. But the best part is, I don't have to. Mr. Gozick will always be my teacher. For those of you that get this, he's like the evolved form of Mrs. Marech. The thing about her, was that while she saw greatness in me she was never great herself...which is why she wanted me to be great. To make up for her--vicariously great almost. But Gozick? I can only hope to be half as great as he is.
So my intent was to write about something completely different. But, thats okay. Mr. Gozick deserves this, at LEAST. So, conclusively, I will share a quote that was not only introduced to me by this phenomenal man, but one that describes him perfectly as well:

"In the tranquil landscape, and especially in the distant line of the horizon,
man beholds somewhat as beautiful as his own nature"
--Ralph Waldo Emerson

Oh, btw--I hugged him today+ he hugged me back. ...he smells nice =]

A Follow Up

So I was reading my blogs and I noticed I never put up my solution for my English paper (as written in "Bit o' Bullshit, Bit o' Dilemma")

My solution?
Well...I went to Mr. Gozick saying I didnt know what to write about, because I was happy with who I was. So, he said, "then write I am perfect on a sheet of paper and hand it in"Now, I would have done this, except "perfect" is one of those funny conceptual words. Most people hear perfect and picture Eden. But, I believe that "perfect" means being happy with the bad. So I essentially wrote my essay on the meaning of perfection and concluded with.... "So yes, Mr Gozick....I am perfect"

It made me smile. ...He never said what he thought of it, mostly because I'm almost certain he hasnt read them yet. (Forgive him, he's deep and beautiful..we cant expect him to be a quick grader too!) Someone remind me to ask him about them on Monday.

Its only life after all<3

"But oh how I loved everybody else when I finally got to talk so much about myself" --Dar Williams
...THAT is the reason everyone should keep a blog. =]

ANYWAY...well, first I need to state (for confessional purposes) that this past week or so has been...interesting? Illegal and plain ol' bad. lol.

Okay, so my thoughts of the day are as followed:

-First day without Shannon. Miss her already =/

-I think that this year has been wonderful for me. Everything that needed to happen (good and bad) has happened. I feel like because of this year, meaning; the people I've met, all the things I've experienced..because of all of it, I am a better person. I feel different now then I did in the begining of the year. Ya know, on your birthday people always say "Well, how does it feel to be 16?" ...you usually stare at them and smile politely for lack of anything else to say? Well, I can honestly say it feels different to be 16.
This year I learned something I didnt know existed: PATIENCE. I dont know how it happened, and I dont remember it happening, but it did. I've learned to wait for people to come to you instead of confronting them. Today, a friend was complaining about how another friend is keeping a secret from her. And I remember being in seventh grade and freaking out about that. IT WAS THE END OF THE WORLD, right? nope. Not even close...it just means that some people like there privacy and if they want to talk...they will. I mean, I certainly have no personal experience with the concept being as open as I am, but thats me. I think its relieving to tell people things...but, I guess not everyone thinks like that. And, thats okay.
I've always been "okay" with people who are "different". But, I've never had personal experience with it. I was just okay with it because I had no reason not to be. But, that has been put to the test and I officially feel assured in my calling myself liberal. I'm not racist. I'm not sexist. I'm not homophobic. I'm a member of the human race and so are all of you, no matter what. So what difference does it make what color your skin is or who you sleep with?
I think one of the most important things I've learned this year is that no matter how alone you feel, you're never alone. Ever. There is an estimated 6,602,224,175 people in the world. You're going to tell me that out of that many people there is not one person who understands you? Who connects with you and is willing to feel your pain with you, and love with you and laugh with you? Being "awkward" I know I've felt alone before. But this year? I got to meet and get to know some of the most amazing people ever. People who understand every bit of insanity that spews from my mouth. I really got to spend some quality time with Shannon (I hope she's having fun), and Becky and Sarah. I met Sarah Meehan who is one of the coolest most respectable people I've ever met. Alicia, Philip and myself have become hopelessly close and formed a bond no one else could understand. (or would want to for that matter). Mr Gozick, who along with being physically beautiful, has the most beautiful soul I've ever encountered. Every time I speak to him I learn something. Albeit, something small or life altering. Mrs. Cochran has become almost a mother to me. Or at least my conscience. If I succeed at something she's the first person I tell and if I fail...well, I either go to her for advice or try to hide it from her so she wont yell at me. Jelly, who has given me the pleasure of being one of her trustees. Emily Carroll, a beautiful person with an amazing flare for creativity. Kristina Esopo who takes on everyones burdens in spite of her own. Alicia Sarcone who just allows me to be a bitch and painfully honest when I want to be. Josh, who on top of being absolutely adorable is an inspiration. ....Damn. This list is long. My god, there are soooo many more. But, I'll stop the list here because I have more to say. The sad thing is, is that I dont even know if these people can fathom what they've done for me. They're so beautiful. Everyday, they inspire me and there are no words for how grateful I am to have them grace my life.
My "year" started the day school got out. I had the most amazing summer (so far...though this upcoming one will be better) I spent it with some awesome people. Then school started and I met more amazing people and amazing things kept happening. Months later brings us up to date and I dont regret a single day of it. (yes, even last friday or monday!) I look at the people in my life and the circumstance I've had to overcome and the things I've been blessed with...has there ever been a luckier person than I? Ever? Well, I really dont think so. (lol, my brother just stomped by..he's angry. But he wont be....'cause in 6 years he'll be sitting at a computer screen writing the same thing, because he is an outstanding kid. I dont even have to bother saving the world because if I dont, I know he will.) Anyway, I think I'm out of things to say. I mean, I have to admit I sat down in a decently icky mood, but after thinking...whats to be upset about? Listen, my life isn't perfect. Its SOOOOO far from. My brother, my mom, my nana, myself...we were kicked out of her house and lived in my aunts basement for 3 months. Half my family on my moms side doesn't talk to the other. My dads side of the family...they're all horrible people honestly (except my dad..he's a good guy) I had "the freshmen disease" really badly. I spent a good portion of my life friendless....no, thats not perfect. But, thats okay. Infact, thats wonderful. Just because that stuff happened doesn't mean I regret a second of it. If it wasn't for all of this (and so much more) would I be who I am? Probably not. To quote my wonderful friend Josh, "All rain is useful." And yes...its true.
I realize this is a long entry, but I just have one more thing to say. Thank you. This thank you is to everyone in the list above, and to everyone I left out--because...

"The best thing you've ever done for me,
is to help me take my life less seriously,
its only life after all"
-Indigo Girls-

Oh, P.S. Though I miss her...I know I'll be okay without her. Have an amazing time in Ireland, and I'll do the same in New Zealand. Love you Shannon Krizzni aka Captain Shadow.<3 See you in the fall.

After the glitter fades...

Well, today Kristina said she was ready for another entry and I'm truly ready to give her one.

Tonight was the best night of my life.
Yes, better then Wicked....Yes, better then the Kenny Loggins concert.
(lol, well I'm not sure about that. Those were great times, but its up there)

Tonight Carpe Veritas (the Philosophy Group) met at my house "to watch a movie". That was the intention, but thats not what happened. You see, Shannon Krizzni-my favorite person in the whole world. My best friend and my mentor- is leaving for Ireland for the summer. So, when they got here and after "Aint no mountain high enough" turned off and the candle on her good bye cake was blown out, we decided to blow off the movie. A little raspberry vodka later, we just wound up taking pictures and talking and wearing funny hats. These girls-Shannon, Becky, Alicia, Sarah and Sarah-are the best people I've ever met. I've never fit into the circle of people at my school but I fit into our little octagon thing. All of us do.

On a sadder note: Shannon leaving? One of the hardest things I've ever had to go through. I know this is fate throwing me to the wolves saying "okay, survive on your own for 3 months" (one of those months being in a foreign country) but am I ready? Its so funny, Shannon has a mentor, and she is my mentor, and I'm other peoples mentors and so on and so forth. The beautiful thing is that one anonymous person said something and that something echoed through the ears and through the years and 10 minutes ago Shannon said it to me and in 2 days I will say it to someone else and then they'll say it to someone else. But with Shannon gone, how is this beautiful, remarkable chain supposed to continue? How is life supposed to continue without me hearing words of wisdom? Am I supposed to make it up? Well, I guess so. I have to admit, as terrifying as that is, its so exciting as well. Shannon leaving just amplifies the greatness of New Zealand. Can I do *this* by myself? Can I survive without the love of my beautiful mother? The inspirational words of my terrific mentor? I realize I dont have my teachers during the summer, but that doesnt mean they arent with me. This summer is going to be REALLY hard with all the great teachers I had this year. I mean, can I accomplish anything without Ms. Cochran's constructive criticism or Mr. Gozick's reassuring smile and kind words? No one understands why I need New Zealand, but I promise you, I NEED it. I need it, because I need to see if I can survive without all of these incredible people I've been blessed with. ...Especially my mom. I've never been away from her for more then a week. Now 5 weeks and 2 days? damn. I mean, even you Kristina...you're a blessing.
I dont believe in God. But I do believe that people come into our lives for a reason and that everything happens for a reason. I believe that I need every single one of you because you are my inspiration. You are my reason to live and strive for greatness. I want to change the world because of you. Because you all deserve the best. The absolute best.
I know I bitch and complain sometimes about how "things suck" and "I hate people", etc. But things dont suck, they never have and they never will because even in hardship-especially in hardship- opportunity to learn presents itself. And thats how I become a better person. And yes, people have their moments of pure suckiness. But for every 10 ignorant assholes I encounter, I meet one person-just one-who leaves me feeling elated when they leave the room. They remind me that people really are wonderful and worth living for. wow...life really is beautiful. You really are beautiful.



Well, I can rant for days (BELIEVE ME) but I believe Stevie Nicks said it best...

"Even though the living is sometimes laced with lies
its alright
the feeling remains even after the glitter fades"

Bit 'o bullshit; Bit 'o dilemma

This is for Kristina Esopo!!!! =D ('cause she's my only reader.)

*BS*
So I'm writing a short story in Creative Writing and I'm absolutely in love with it so far. I think when its done, I'll post it on here.

(almost)48 days 'til I leave for New Zealand!


*Dilemma*
So, I'm very annoyed by my most recent English assignment. Its based on Henry 4th part 1. We have to write what hinders us from "becoming" us. The problem is, is that I've done this so many times before. Now that should make it easy, n'est-ce pas? Nope! A few years ago I started doing self-evaluations. I have entire notebooks full of them! And whatever I didn't like, I would change. Now, I'm so content with who I am. Even my faults, I love. Any faults I'm left with....well....I wouldn't change them for the world. (Even if they do get me in trouble sometimes. e.g. my inability to keep my mouth shut) THIS IS ME! I cant be much more me, then this! ...I have nothing to write about. =/

Resolution yet to come!!!

Oh, Butterfly!

I love butterflies. They start life off as little fuzzy, worm like creatures. But they change. They go through metamorphosis, just like people. They forgo harsh weather and predators, but in they end they are so beautiful. THIS is why I call people butterflies. 'Cause we're not all that different...



*posted at a later time and date* ya know, I really do connect to the butterfly. I dont know if anyone else does this, but I am constantly going through metamorphosis. That butterfly right there? Yes, thats me-this summer

Thoughtless

I don't have much to say. No intense psychological thoughts, or even pointless bitching. Just bleh. Feeling melancholy, I guess. I should channel this and go paint or write...which is what I think I'm going to do.

Hey, are you a dreamer?

Man on the Train: Hey, are you a dreamer?
Wiley: Yeah.
Man on the Train: I haven't seen too many around lately. Things have been tough lately for dreamers. They say dreaming is dead, no one does it anymore. It's not dead it's just that it's been forgotten, removed from our language. Nobody teaches it so nobody knows it exists. The dreamer is banished to obscurity. Well, I'm trying to change all that, and I hope you are too. By dreaming, every day. Dreaming with our hands and dreaming with our minds. Our planet is facing the greatest problems it's ever faced, ever. So whatever you do, don't be bored, this is absolutely the most exciting time we could have possibly hoped to be alive. And things are just starting...

So "philosophy group" watched a movie tonight. Waking Life, is the name of this movie. Now the animation is very very strange (it has a name, but I dont recall...it works like an Exquisite Corpse, for you artists and writers.) but its about this guy. Who falls into a dream and meets over 50 people who just rant at him. Feeding him philosophy that will last anywhere from 2 seconds to 20 minutes. Its a beautiful movie that really makes you question and appreciate.

Some questions the movie prompted for me:
-What are words? Why do we use them?
-"Man wants chaos" What is the nature of evil? Could we actually live without it?
- What should we "believe" in as far as reality?
-How do you determine who you are?
-Do actions always speak louder than words?

"Life understood is life lived."
-Waking Life-

Non-toxic, ordinary day

Well....

my mommy and I have been getting along.

I've begun a new phase: The circus.

I bought some amazing gum: Mint Mojito

Philosophy group meets here(my house) tomorrow for a movie-watching discussion

Yeah, thats it. "Not much to say on this non-toxic, ordinary day"

Just bitching...

I hate bitching, I truly do. But I'm entitled to do it once in awhile, n'est-ce pas?
(Not to mention, I really only bitch about 1 thing. Not boys, not school, just the fact that I love my mom to death and I feel like there is no trace of the close relationship we once had. So deal.)


My mom is constantly yelling at me for never doing anything. Except, every time I find something to do, she doesn't let me commit to it. I'm in a club, but I'm not allowed to do any of the extra things. (Which would take up more of my "wasted" time, correct?) So she says she doesn't want me doing "nothing" all summer, but I'm going on vacation TO NEW ZEALAND with my friend Alicia and her dad. Except she can't make up her fucking mind about how long I can go. Can I go for the whole month like I'm supposed to? Or am I going for 2 weeks like you want? Or am I not going at all? At this point (I've been fighting this for months) I don't even fucking care what the answer is. JUST PICK ONE AND STICK WITH IT! And if I go for the whole month it'll take up more of my wasted time! Except she doesn't want to be away from me...but you obviously don't like having me around anymore!

Once upon a time, my mom was my favorite person in the whole world. I didn't want to be like her, I wanted to be her! Now, I can't even get along with her. She hates me. I swear she does. I just want her to love me and for us to get along like we used to, but its freaking impossible. We're different people, living different lives. Fuck it, we're strangers...

Amazement!

Today, I went to the movies with my brother, Jack, and friend, Alicia. (We went to see TMNT, which was actually pretty good...no, thats not the amazing part.) ANYWAY, we walked around the mall for quite awhile afterward and encountered many people. Then, I came home, showered, and went to the bookstore to meet with my weekly group of friends (we call ourselves a philosophy group.)

The point of that little introduction is to make all readers aware of the fact that I saw many people today. Surprisingly, I loved all of them. That sounds absurd, I know. But for some reason, unbeknown to me, "people" were having a good day. Its almost as if I learned or benefited in some way from every single encounter I had today. People truly amazed me today. ....wow.

And this is just to further prove a little debate I had going before(and because I love this quote):

"But regardless of what weapons they try to use to effect silence, words will always retain their power. Words are the means to meaning, and for some, the annunciation of truth."
V for Vendetta

Not an Educator; A Teacher

Yesterday, I had a wonderful day and a terrible night.
Today, I had a terrible day and a wonderful night.

While yesterday was probably the more "fun filled" day, I learned nothing, except that which I already knew. Today, I learned a lot. I learned to have patience with people; Especially the people you love. A very wise man told me that you only have so many emotions to give. When a person is overwhelmed they frequently give more emotion towards certain people hoping to alleviate the problem and to just have patience because right now, you may not need that persons emotions as much as someone else might.

Then, a very wise woman taught me the art of perseverance. She was right; I am not a quitter. I've never believed in giving up, why should I now? Just because something becomes difficult doesn't mean I have to abandon it. It means I have to work even harder. Albeit, I do not know the greatness of the external award, but the internal award would be enough. Knowing that I made this extraordinary woman proud of me, would be more than enough.

Finally, I learned that a lot of people suck. A LOT! But if you look hard enough there are ALWAYS a few people who will stand out amongst the crowd. They will do good in the world, and teach you many things if you're only open to their teachings.

"A master can tell you what he expects of you.
A teacher, though, awakens your own expectations."
Patricia Neal

C.G. & M.C.
Thank you

I appologize for this...

I don't like spewing typical teenage bullshit. I think its a waste of time, usually. However, tonight I'm very angry with my mom, so here it goes.

Now, I love my mom. She is one of my favorite people in the whole world. I remember when I was little I would wake up when I heard her getting ready for work and go in and lay down on the bathroom floor to watch her do her make up in the mirror. I've always wanted to be just like her. Lately, though, she's been really mean. Just mean. I think she's going through menopause or something. Today 2 friends and myself decided to go swimming in a lake around the corner from my house. When I got home she asked why we were wet and I told her not thinking she'd have a problem with it. She called me dirty. I'm dirty because I went swimming in a lake. She didn't mean dirty as in covered in dirt, she meant trashy. Then she was going out and I asked her to pick me up a scoop of mint chocolate chip ice cream because I was craving it really badly. She said "I hate to be the one to break it to ya, but you don't need it." ... I'm not fat. I'm not skinny, but I'm not fat. I'm a medium shirt and a size 8 or 10 pants. She also thinks because my brother gets A's and B's in 4th fucking grade, that he's smarter than me. Well, I got A's and B's in 4th grade as well. Hell, I got them all the way up until 7th grade when I learned the definition of "lazy" and stopped doing my work. That does NOT mean I still don't raise my hand to answer every bloody question. I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO SPEAKS AT ALL DURING MY ENGLISH CLASS! The rest of them are completely oblivious. I WANT TO BE A FUCKING TEACHER. But apparently, I'm a fat, dirty idiot and I don't deserve to live.

I miss snuggle time and watching my mommy put make up on her face (that to me was absolutely perfect with or without it.) Fuck it, I just miss my mommy.

oh, sadness

So this is a new blog, because I ran into problems (in other words, couldn't remember my password or the e-mail address I used) so this is new.

Complex, mind boggling thoughts coming soon! =D

...Yes, my ego is the size of a small planet.

Calling all Humanity

Today, this message only applies to people with a heart. People with passion, courage and conviction. To those people: I dare you to click here I dare you to be the change and to make a difference.

Yeah, thats really all I have to say today.

Old to New

I have this friend. The day we met we became instant best friends. He was my favorite person in the whole world, and I his. *time goes by* and we go out(STUPID MISTAKE!). We break up, hate each other, are best friends again, then hate each other again. Complicated? A bit. Keep up. So anyway, we're on speaking terms and have been for awhile. We've been trying to rekindle our friendship with little success. But tonight I told him about how annoying it was that I could not trust him and I had something to tell him. We spent about twenty minutes trying to come up with a solution. (Yes, we are both very stubborn) I said that I am not very good at just letting things happen, because I am afraid that if I do not make it happen, it wont. He only responded, "just let it". So I did. I am usually someone who trusts everyone, but due to past experiences, I found it difficult to trust him. But I put that aside, and told him what I was going to tell him.

I am not disappointed. In fact, just the opposite. I feel almost elated. Its that hopeful cliffhanger at the end of a story. Its not saying that everything is okay. It is only saying that it will be...

Truth by Advertisement

So, here's something real. (Finally)

How do trends such as "preppy" or "emo" get started? Advertisement, right? A band with a whiny lead singer become popular and next thing you know people are wearing jeans that are too small and cutting themselves. Well, emo was a great profit maker. However, when they realized that their consumers were killing themselves they knew they needed something knew. Thus, Hollister came out with the Live Your Life dealy. Now, you needn't be a scholar to know that this is a much safer trend. Not to mention it will get people to see the meaning of life and enjoy it more...right? Nope! Guess again! Its only a trend, nothing more. And no matter how many t-shirts, bags, or accessories you have that say Life Your Life that does not mean you are going to actually go out and do it. However, it does still get the message out there and brings down the suicide ratings. So my question for everyone is...

Is it okay to give someone the truth in a fake way?

I am the Pen

Well, I am kind of tired, but know I need to get into the habit of posting on this thing. Thus, this will be yet another pointless post. Though one day, when the mood strikes, I promise I will put up a real post. But not today.
I already put up one of my favorite poems by someone else, so...I guess its time to put up some of my own work, huh? Well lets see...
As a rule, I write on a more serious note. I guess I would call myself a modern transcendentalist. (Not New Age...its different!!! =P ) This, however, is atypical of my usual writing; I like it anyway. So here it is in all its comedic glory, I am the Pen.

Jen asked James if she could borrow me.
My inferior had become dull and was no longer useful.
So James reached into his black bag,
Pulled out a smaller bag and grabbed me.

From his rough boyish hands,
to her smooth scented ones I went.
She placed me in her lustrous locks
for just a moment as she thought.

I was held idle for what seemed like forever.
So anxious I was to spill my black ink
onto that boring page!
People are nothing but vessels for my greatness.

I am the poet.
I am the artist.
I am the creator.

Jen's hand is in motion!
She moves me from head to page!
I feel my ink poor out.
Beautiful strokes explode from my tiny point.

The period nears, I can feel it!
Then she slowly but surely uses me
to dot and end the sentence.
I no longer thirst for that climatic experience.

I am the poet.
I am the artist.
I am the creator.
I am the pen.

Crap above written by yours truly.
(This is really just a draft. So yes, I know its imperfect. All the same, comments welcome.)

Starting Anew

Well, over the weekend we had a surprise party for my grandmother. My amazing cousin and his wife (and about 60 other people who do not matter at the moment) came. Cousin (AKA: Mike, but he needs a nickname. Until then...its Cousin) and I spoke. He told me to "Be digital". Now, I am the least digital person in the world. Technology gives me a headache. However, his reasoning seemed logical, so hell, why not. He also insisted that I create a blog (other than myspace)...so here it is.
I haven't a clue how to start this, but I guess I'll start with a story from my dear friend Mr. e.e. cummings.

anyone lived in a pretty how town

(with up so floating many bells down)

spring summer autumn winter

he sang his didn’t he danced his did.

Women and men(both little and small)

cared for anyone not at all

they sowed their isn’t they reaped their same

sun moon stars rain

children guessed(but only a few

and down they forgot as up they grew

autumn winter spring summer)

that noone loved him more by more

when by now and tree by leaf

she laughed his joy she cried his grief

bird by snow and stir by still

anyone’s any was all to her

someones married their everyones

laughed their cryings and did their dance

(sleep wake hope and then)they

said their nevers they slept their dream

stars rain sun moon

(and only the snow can begin to explain

how children are apt to forget to remember

with up so floating many bells down)

one day anyone died i guess

(and noone stooped to kiss his face)

busy folk buried them side by side

little by little and was by was

all by all and deep by deep

and more by more they dream their sleep

noone and anyone earth by april

wish by spirit and if by yes.

Women and men(both dong and ding)

summer autumn winter spring

reaped their sowing and went their came

sun moon stars rain

This is only the prologue in our story. Chapter one...well, thats for another day =D