I've recently discovered Oliver Sachs. About a month ago my physics teacher told me what with my love for reading and my secret passion for neuroscience I should pick up a book by Oliver Sachs. Well a lack of money prevented me from buying a book. However, in psych our teacher had us watch Awakenings, an adaptation of one his books. This movie was remarkable. Well, I went back to talk to Mr. Dempsey, my physics teacher, about it and he told me about a man who after undergoing some trauma had an intense need to paint. Now that is what he does...all of the time. He paints, he creates. Well, by some freak coincidence I went home and turned on the Science Channel to The Secret Life of the Brain which was an episode on that very same guy. Well, I've always had a secret passion for neuroscience but now its even more prominent.
So, why am I writing about it? Because I want to write about people and their scientific need to create. Cool, huh? I'm not sure what form this writing will take. A poem, a short story...maybe even one day a novel, but I will write about it.
Maslows Hieracrchy of Human Needs says that our first needs are our physicological needs. Feed ourselves, hyrdate ourselves. After that we move on to safety; this is why we have shelter. Beyond that is our sense of belonging. For this, we make friends and have families. Then comes our esteem, this is how we fit in our lives according to ourselves and other. Lastly, when all of these other requirements are met, we create. But when our brains are altered by some outside force our needs, our requirements are reordered. Lighting, injury, surgery all influence our priorities. And the best part? Scientists dont even know why.
...but artists can guess.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Best foot forward
This weekend has been pretty awful. At one point, I escaped from my house in attempt to find some peaceful solitude. I was going to write, but decided I didnt want to taint my notebook with negativity. So instead, I just sat by the creek and cried. I felt much better afterwards, but then I had to go home. That was a mistake. *sigh* I never thought I would look forward to a Monday! Nevertheless, I can't wait...
There is no point in this ramble today other than I just wanted to type something. I could explain away my weekend, but I've been trying not to reflect too hard on all that...badness. I know who I am. Thats good enough for me. So, best foot forward!
There is no point in this ramble today other than I just wanted to type something. I could explain away my weekend, but I've been trying not to reflect too hard on all that...badness. I know who I am. Thats good enough for me. So, best foot forward!
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
A bedtime story...
So I was talking to a friend who requested a bedtime story. The guidelines were simple. It had to involve the consumption of glue. I kind of liked what I came up with and wanted to put it someplace I wouldn't lose it. So I'll display it here for all the world to see! (Please keep in mind that it is a rough, informal draft that was really only intended as a joke and sent via AIM. ...There aren't even paragraphs! lol)
Lily awoke to the sound of someone crying. Though she was merely five, she was brave and ventured off to her mommys room in spite of any monsters that could be curiously lurking in the dark. "Mama?" She whispered. In response all she heard was the gentle snoring of her mother. Befuddled by what she thought she heard, she sleepily sauntered back to her room. Just as she was about to crawl into her big girl bed, she heard it again. She glared around the room, but saw no one. Even the bold Lilly was becoming frightened. Tap, tap! The sound came from her window, but when she went over to check, no one was there. She opened the window and cried out, "helloooo?" There was silence for a moment and then, "It appears a star is broken." Lily could not see the speaker and was just about to run to her mother when she heard the voice again, " I didn't mean to frighten you. See, the star is wayyyyyy up in the sky and asked me to ask you for help." Lily stared out the window. "But you're a tree!" She said, "And trees dont talk!" The tree was offended. "Little girl, not only do we talk but we compose music, write poetry! We are a most sophisticated lot!" Lily did not know what sophisticated meant, but she did know what music and poetry were, and she was rather certain she had never read a poem written by a tree. "Trees dont write poems!" "Oh they dont?" The tree snarled, "Ahem! 'I think that I shall never see a poem as lovely as a tree!' Who, but a tree, would write such a thing, hm?" "Oh," Lily said. She went on, "what's wrong with the star?" The tree remembering why he got the girls attention in the first place said, "Oh yes! I nearly forgot. You see there is a star up in the sky--right over there--she's broken a point and needs help fixing it. You dont suppose you could help?" Lily pondered deeply. What could she possibly do? "I know!" She exclaimed, "I'll be right back! Dont you move a....twig." Moments later Lily returned with a bottle of Elmers glitter glue she had used on a project for Kindergarten. "Will you lift me up to the sky, Mr. Maple?" The tree outstretched his long branches into the girls window and she cautiously climbed on. In no time, the tree lifted Lily up through the sky all the way to the still sobbing star. "He--llo" Lily said timidly. Afterall, she had never spoken to a star. "Will you help me?" was the stars only response. "Oh of course! Now open wide. I've got some medicine for you." The star obeyed and opened its mouth and let Lily pour in the glue. She then wiggled the star around until its point went back into place. "Better?" she asked. The star was over-joyed. "Oh yes, much better!" With that, the star leaned in and kissed little Lily. "You looked out for me and now I'll always look after you." The tree brought back little Lily to her room, where she dose off into a sound sleep.
As the years went by she soon forgot that night, but whenever she stared out her window there was always one star, shining brighter and more perfectly than the rest right above her.
Lily awoke to the sound of someone crying. Though she was merely five, she was brave and ventured off to her mommys room in spite of any monsters that could be curiously lurking in the dark. "Mama?" She whispered. In response all she heard was the gentle snoring of her mother. Befuddled by what she thought she heard, she sleepily sauntered back to her room. Just as she was about to crawl into her big girl bed, she heard it again. She glared around the room, but saw no one. Even the bold Lilly was becoming frightened. Tap, tap! The sound came from her window, but when she went over to check, no one was there. She opened the window and cried out, "helloooo?" There was silence for a moment and then, "It appears a star is broken." Lily could not see the speaker and was just about to run to her mother when she heard the voice again, " I didn't mean to frighten you. See, the star is wayyyyyy up in the sky and asked me to ask you for help." Lily stared out the window. "But you're a tree!" She said, "And trees dont talk!" The tree was offended. "Little girl, not only do we talk but we compose music, write poetry! We are a most sophisticated lot!" Lily did not know what sophisticated meant, but she did know what music and poetry were, and she was rather certain she had never read a poem written by a tree. "Trees dont write poems!" "Oh they dont?" The tree snarled, "Ahem! 'I think that I shall never see a poem as lovely as a tree!' Who, but a tree, would write such a thing, hm?" "Oh," Lily said. She went on, "what's wrong with the star?" The tree remembering why he got the girls attention in the first place said, "Oh yes! I nearly forgot. You see there is a star up in the sky--right over there--she's broken a point and needs help fixing it. You dont suppose you could help?" Lily pondered deeply. What could she possibly do? "I know!" She exclaimed, "I'll be right back! Dont you move a....twig." Moments later Lily returned with a bottle of Elmers glitter glue she had used on a project for Kindergarten. "Will you lift me up to the sky, Mr. Maple?" The tree outstretched his long branches into the girls window and she cautiously climbed on. In no time, the tree lifted Lily up through the sky all the way to the still sobbing star. "He--llo" Lily said timidly. Afterall, she had never spoken to a star. "Will you help me?" was the stars only response. "Oh of course! Now open wide. I've got some medicine for you." The star obeyed and opened its mouth and let Lily pour in the glue. She then wiggled the star around until its point went back into place. "Better?" she asked. The star was over-joyed. "Oh yes, much better!" With that, the star leaned in and kissed little Lily. "You looked out for me and now I'll always look after you." The tree brought back little Lily to her room, where she dose off into a sound sleep.
As the years went by she soon forgot that night, but whenever she stared out her window there was always one star, shining brighter and more perfectly than the rest right above her.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Foreign (ugly) feelings
I have so many thoughts I want to write down, but not sure I can post them. Typically, I'd type away and thoughtlessly post. However, something, for some reason or another, is stopping me. I only hope that this isnt a sign that I'm growing up. If this is a sign--if my attaining some sort of fear of what people think is a sign--than I dont want to grow up. I'd much rather be a child, willing to lend myself to the world, not caring if I am accepted or rejected.
Today I feel uncertain of myself. This isnt something I typically feel. I dont like it one bit and hope this foreign feeling isnt here to stay.
**update later on**
It was only a moment. In fact, in the end I wound up feeling better than I did to start with. Isnt life strange sometimes?
Today I feel uncertain of myself. This isnt something I typically feel. I dont like it one bit and hope this foreign feeling isnt here to stay.
**update later on**
It was only a moment. In fact, in the end I wound up feeling better than I did to start with. Isnt life strange sometimes?
Monday, October 27, 2008
I am borrowed for the sky
"It'll go by quick," Mr. Rosen said to us on our first day of ninth grade. I remember not believing him. I remember sitting there thinking to myself I want out of high school and I want out now.
A year after, I sat in Mr. Gozick's tenth grade honors English and listened to him say,"Dont spend your days waiting for other days." Though I thought this was a beautiful thing to say, I dont think I fully understood it's value.
Four years later, I begrudgingly admit, that they were both correct.
Today, Oct 27th of my senior year, I was sitting in my lab assistant class with Mr. Gozick. I listened to this man lecture his tenth grade comp class. He said essentially the same thing to them that he did to me years ago. Then he said, "You probably don't understand this now, but you will. Experience allows for appreciation."
My senior year. I'll be eighteen in a few months, and graduating high school only a few short months after that. I've been waiting and waiting for that day ever since fifth grade. I'm closer than I've ever been and I could not possibly be more excited. However, looking back, I'm doing something I haven't done up until this point. I'm appreciating everything I've experienced these past almost-four years.
I would not describe my high school adventure as easy, nor difficult. The years have been divided into categories of good and bad, and though some were difficult at the time, in retrospect each year and each experience aided me in ways I could not begin to understand back then. High school, or rather life in general, has offered me beauty without expecting anything in return. My life has led me to incredible people who have taught me ideas I will carry with me forever. My life has led me to understanding and accepting things that are different from myself. Because of this and so much more, I regret not a single day of my life or even my dreaded high school episode.
I owe all of what I've become to the people I've met along the way. Teachers, the man in the bookstore, and friends--true friends, I am forever indebted to you. Though most of you will never read this, or even really know it exists, I feel the need to thank you publicly. I offer my greatest appreciation to you someplace where everyone may see just what you have done for me. Thank you. My love to you all.
My Word Sketch
The other day, I was speaking with a friend. He said (though this is out of context), "the act of reaching the sky." I realized there was no single English word for this and was saddened by the thought. I then went on to think of what reaching the sky would feel like exactly. This is what I came up with:
Ascension feels like...
Tempest-tossed tummies
striding up stairs.
Crescendo past the stars
into the cloud bazaar.
Blood, bones, body stay in place.
Your skin waits to be filled.
Breathe in someone else's body.
The earth releases you; You
are borrowed for the sky.
The photo is of me. Flying in New Zealand.
A year after, I sat in Mr. Gozick's tenth grade honors English and listened to him say,"Dont spend your days waiting for other days." Though I thought this was a beautiful thing to say, I dont think I fully understood it's value.
Four years later, I begrudgingly admit, that they were both correct.
Today, Oct 27th of my senior year, I was sitting in my lab assistant class with Mr. Gozick. I listened to this man lecture his tenth grade comp class. He said essentially the same thing to them that he did to me years ago. Then he said, "You probably don't understand this now, but you will. Experience allows for appreciation."
My senior year. I'll be eighteen in a few months, and graduating high school only a few short months after that. I've been waiting and waiting for that day ever since fifth grade. I'm closer than I've ever been and I could not possibly be more excited. However, looking back, I'm doing something I haven't done up until this point. I'm appreciating everything I've experienced these past almost-four years.
I would not describe my high school adventure as easy, nor difficult. The years have been divided into categories of good and bad, and though some were difficult at the time, in retrospect each year and each experience aided me in ways I could not begin to understand back then. High school, or rather life in general, has offered me beauty without expecting anything in return. My life has led me to incredible people who have taught me ideas I will carry with me forever. My life has led me to understanding and accepting things that are different from myself. Because of this and so much more, I regret not a single day of my life or even my dreaded high school episode.
I owe all of what I've become to the people I've met along the way. Teachers, the man in the bookstore, and friends--true friends, I am forever indebted to you. Though most of you will never read this, or even really know it exists, I feel the need to thank you publicly. I offer my greatest appreciation to you someplace where everyone may see just what you have done for me. Thank you. My love to you all.
My Word Sketch
The other day, I was speaking with a friend. He said (though this is out of context), "the act of reaching the sky." I realized there was no single English word for this and was saddened by the thought. I then went on to think of what reaching the sky would feel like exactly. This is what I came up with:
Ascension feels like...
Tempest-tossed tummies
striding up stairs.
Crescendo past the stars
into the cloud bazaar.
Blood, bones, body stay in place.
Your skin waits to be filled.
Breathe in someone else's body.
The earth releases you; You
are borrowed for the sky.
I think this year, I've managed to reach the sky.
The photo is of me. Flying in New Zealand.
Saturday, October 4, 2008
Six Secrets...
Apparently, there is this marvelous thing going around. You get tagged and you have to post six secrets about yourself. Hm..
1) I think I may love a guy who is 9 years older than me.
2) Most details about me, are lies. "I read that book!" ...no I didnt. I read the back cover and decided it sounded like crap.
3) I made out with a friends ex-boyfriend months ago and still havent told her. Nor do I intend to.
4) I always have different intentions than other people, and let people assume we want the same things.
5) To an onlooker, I seem to have it pretty together...I dont, but kind of enjoy it that way. I'd never want to have things truly "together." I think it would get very boring, very quickly!
6) This isnt so much a secret as it is a fact: I love answering questions. I love sharing secrets with people and connecting with them. So if you really want to know something... Ask!
1) I think I may love a guy who is 9 years older than me.
2) Most details about me, are lies. "I read that book!" ...no I didnt. I read the back cover and decided it sounded like crap.
3) I made out with a friends ex-boyfriend months ago and still havent told her. Nor do I intend to.
4) I always have different intentions than other people, and let people assume we want the same things.
5) To an onlooker, I seem to have it pretty together...I dont, but kind of enjoy it that way. I'd never want to have things truly "together." I think it would get very boring, very quickly!
6) This isnt so much a secret as it is a fact: I love answering questions. I love sharing secrets with people and connecting with them. So if you really want to know something... Ask!
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
You know those days when you get the mean reds...
I've got the mean reds. I'd explain it, but I don't think it's something you can really explain.
Holly Golightly: You know those days when you get the mean reds?
Paul Varjak: The mean reds, you mean like the blues?
Holly Golightly: No. The blues are because you're getting fat and maybe it's been raining too long, you're just sad that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of.
I think that feeling of "being afraid" is really your subconscious knocking at the front door. It's that silly little notion you tucked away to be "thought about later." Only, it doesnt want to be thought about later, it wants to be thought about now! But you're trying much too hard to forget, so instead of remembering it, you become afraid of it. It haunts you saying 'think of me; remember me." But you wont...or at least, you dont. Because to remember it would mean that you would have to deal with it or risk knowing yourself to be a coward.
Holly Golightly: You know those days when you get the mean reds?
Paul Varjak: The mean reds, you mean like the blues?
Holly Golightly: No. The blues are because you're getting fat and maybe it's been raining too long, you're just sad that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of.
I think that feeling of "being afraid" is really your subconscious knocking at the front door. It's that silly little notion you tucked away to be "thought about later." Only, it doesnt want to be thought about later, it wants to be thought about now! But you're trying much too hard to forget, so instead of remembering it, you become afraid of it. It haunts you saying 'think of me; remember me." But you wont...or at least, you dont. Because to remember it would mean that you would have to deal with it or risk knowing yourself to be a coward.
Today, I've got the mean reds. =/
Sunday, September 21, 2008
She's so busy being free...
Hi old friend.
No, I havent forgotten about you.
I've just been too busy, I'm afraid.
Good things mostly, though today was not so great.
I'll be back soon I promise.
No, I havent forgotten about you.
I've just been too busy, I'm afraid.
Good things mostly, though today was not so great.
I'll be back soon I promise.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Waiting
Del Knox:Piece of advice: you can lose your money. You can spend it - all of it. Maybe work hard, get it all back. But if you waste your time, you're never gonna get it back.
Certain forms of waiting are necessary. For example, in a "civilized society" we wait for the light to turn green before we go, we wait in line without cutting, we wait for our numbers to be called at the deli counter. Now these forms of waiting are beneficial to us because they prevent chaos. But what about the other type of waiting? The type of waiting that prevents anything from ever getting done. This form is in fact, detrimental to our society.
The type of waiting I'm talking about is clearly demonstrated in Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. Towards the end, Harry, by means of time travel, is watching Sirius Black and himself die. He refuses to act out against the dementors-the source that is killing them- because his dad will come and save them. Hermione says to the onlooking Harry, "No one's coming." Shortly after this, Harry summons the power in himself and casts the Petronas charm. Now what would have happened if Harry, instead of casting the charm himself, had waited for his dad to come and saved Sirius and Harry? They would have died.
Waiting for people is a dangerous habit. Whether its waiting for your husband to stop beating you, or waiting for someone to join in the fun, or waiting for someone to say their sorry, you're going to be waiting a long time. Time is very precious when you're only alive for such a short amount of it. Every moment better be enjoyed.
Certain forms of waiting are necessary. For example, in a "civilized society" we wait for the light to turn green before we go, we wait in line without cutting, we wait for our numbers to be called at the deli counter. Now these forms of waiting are beneficial to us because they prevent chaos. But what about the other type of waiting? The type of waiting that prevents anything from ever getting done. This form is in fact, detrimental to our society.
The type of waiting I'm talking about is clearly demonstrated in Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. Towards the end, Harry, by means of time travel, is watching Sirius Black and himself die. He refuses to act out against the dementors-the source that is killing them- because his dad will come and save them. Hermione says to the onlooking Harry, "No one's coming." Shortly after this, Harry summons the power in himself and casts the Petronas charm. Now what would have happened if Harry, instead of casting the charm himself, had waited for his dad to come and saved Sirius and Harry? They would have died.
Waiting for people is a dangerous habit. Whether its waiting for your husband to stop beating you, or waiting for someone to join in the fun, or waiting for someone to say their sorry, you're going to be waiting a long time. Time is very precious when you're only alive for such a short amount of it. Every moment better be enjoyed.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
So close and yet so far...
I'm going to be a senior this year. Soon I will leave. I cannot wait to leave. =]
I hope to go to a school far far away and learn EVERYTHING they have to teach me AND MORE!
I hope to take that wonderful knowledge and travel the world and help people with REAL needs.
Not people with self-inflicted diseases like part-time alcoholism and "gee, I've smoked for 50 years, why do I have emphysema?!" But people with actual needs. Like starving children or homeless people or people in need of an education so they can better themselves or SOMETHING!
Patience is a virtue...so are honest attempts. I'm trying to be patient...I promise!!! =/
I hope to go to a school far far away and learn EVERYTHING they have to teach me AND MORE!
I hope to take that wonderful knowledge and travel the world and help people with REAL needs.
Not people with self-inflicted diseases like part-time alcoholism and "gee, I've smoked for 50 years, why do I have emphysema?!" But people with actual needs. Like starving children or homeless people or people in need of an education so they can better themselves or SOMETHING!
Patience is a virtue...so are honest attempts. I'm trying to be patient...I promise!!! =/
Sunday, April 27, 2008
And when we find what we're looking for...
we'll drop these bags and search no more
'Cause it's gonna feel like heaven when we're home.
I dont really have much to say today, I just felt like posting. I'm in a very good mood, though very tired! Friday night I spent with old friends and Saturday night with new friends. It turns out, I can have both. =] AND, today I am spending by myself. All together, I think it has been a most enjoyable week end.
'Cause it's gonna feel like heaven when we're home.
I dont really have much to say today, I just felt like posting. I'm in a very good mood, though very tired! Friday night I spent with old friends and Saturday night with new friends. It turns out, I can have both. =] AND, today I am spending by myself. All together, I think it has been a most enjoyable week end.
Monday, April 21, 2008
"& I thank the lord for the people I have found"
I have something very important to post, but it isn't finished. So I will explain now and in several days or weeks or whatever, when it is finished, I will post it...just for you ;]
So, if you read my earlier blogs from this year you will begin to pick up on a theme. This theme is about abandonment, I suppose. Though now that word seems very harsh. Well, long story short-- my two closest friends found..distractions. I was heart broken and couldnt cope at all! Essentially, I thought it was the end of the world. Well, my friends havent exactly come back to me. But they're trying and I appreciate that. I also appreciate new friends. Sometimes I think people unintentionally fix things. Sometimes people unintentionally fix people. I'm fortunate to be one of those fixed people.
Thats it for now...I'll write more later
{Later} Tonight, I went for a drive with Emily. We ventured down lost road(best name for a street ever) and I realized I'm not all that lost, though I may be running on empty =] "Running on empty, running blind. Running into the sun, but I'm running behind." --Jackson Browne put it more perfectly than I ever could. "I dont know where I'm running, I'm just running on." It's very true. And its very okay, because I'm okay. I'm not great, but I'm not bad either. I'm just okay. And what I've learned is that sometimes, its okay to just be okay.
So, if you read my earlier blogs from this year you will begin to pick up on a theme. This theme is about abandonment, I suppose. Though now that word seems very harsh. Well, long story short-- my two closest friends found..distractions. I was heart broken and couldnt cope at all! Essentially, I thought it was the end of the world. Well, my friends havent exactly come back to me. But they're trying and I appreciate that. I also appreciate new friends. Sometimes I think people unintentionally fix things. Sometimes people unintentionally fix people. I'm fortunate to be one of those fixed people.
Thats it for now...I'll write more later
{Later} Tonight, I went for a drive with Emily. We ventured down lost road(best name for a street ever) and I realized I'm not all that lost, though I may be running on empty =] "Running on empty, running blind. Running into the sun, but I'm running behind." --Jackson Browne put it more perfectly than I ever could. "I dont know where I'm running, I'm just running on." It's very true. And its very okay, because I'm okay. I'm not great, but I'm not bad either. I'm just okay. And what I've learned is that sometimes, its okay to just be okay.
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Emergency Champagne Glasses
I just wanted to let the world know that I had the best spring break ever and while part of me is happy to be going back to school, I kind of wish it wasnt ending =]
So lets raise another emergency champagne to old friends and new friends and in between friends. To never seeing the end of pulp fiction and walks to the evil lake. To still never seeing the end of pulp fiction Jack puking everywhere. To the breathing ocean and butt-fu. To the jacket store and long awaited dates. To 2 hour long conversations in the cold and only 4 beers. To motherfucking brownies and to Dayna's boobs. To sleeping all day. To actually doing homework and long drives in random fields.
Raise an unexpected glass to spring break, the week after, Taylor Mali and Tony Hoagland. My Junior year has taken an unexpected turn for the better.
The Beginnings of My Bucket List
For Christmas Hez gave me 2,001 Things to Do Before You Die. I decided to take the things I actually want to do and write them down...where better than here? So here are the first things on my list from the book. Later on, I'll add my own things. =]
- Be an extra in a movie
- see the aurora borealis from Denali
- donate body parts
- rent an apartment on the seine for two months
- learn what spelunking is and do it
- have multiple orgasms
- drink a mint julep at the Kentucky Derby (and wear a killer hat)
- pay for the next car at a toll booth
- make a religious pilgrimage-to Mecca, Santiago de Compostela, Jerusalem, or Graceland
- hang glide
- shake hands with someone famous
- light a candle in the Holocaust memorial museum's hall of Rememberance
- blow smoke rings
- be able to explain the theory of relativity
- get a professional makeover
- suddenly decide on and leave for a trip
- crash a ritzy party
- give someone a reason to believe in god even if you dont
- swim in the Icelandic hot springs at sundown
- communicate without words
- find a long straight road and see how fast you can go
- volunteer at a zoo
Monday, March 24, 2008
Saturday, March 15, 2008
When life is hard, you have to change
^^So says Blind Melon.
And they're right. I kind of started my change last week but its OFFICIAL today. YES, FOLKS! Today I, Lisa Pepe, cut my hair. My hair hasn't been this short since I was about 4 (short being shoulder length). Its awkward but I'm enjoying it. More importantly, I'm enjoying the symbolism. "I'm letting go of all I've held on to." I'm enjoying life and I'm enjoying myself.
Oh life<3
And they're right. I kind of started my change last week but its OFFICIAL today. YES, FOLKS! Today I, Lisa Pepe, cut my hair. My hair hasn't been this short since I was about 4 (short being shoulder length). Its awkward but I'm enjoying it. More importantly, I'm enjoying the symbolism. "I'm letting go of all I've held on to." I'm enjoying life and I'm enjoying myself.
Oh life<3
Sunday, March 2, 2008
Poor Pretender
Befuddled. So very befuddled.
A man jumps on a table in the middle of a crowded room. He says, "My name is Jack Pretender and I am someone who has never committed to anything and its never bothered me." Everyone looks at him. Jack expects people to jump on a table and let the entire room know who they are, but no one does. So, Jack jumps off the table and walks up to a girl. "What is your name?" he asks her, everyones eyes are still on the two of them. "Jen." She responds. "Jen, who are you?" "I don't know." Jack asked several different people there names and "who they were." The people who didn't answer "I dont know" said things like "I'm a body builder" or "I'm a good person" or worst of all "I'm a mystery." After asking several people he started to cry. He walked out of the crowded room unsure if he'd ever return. It was that last answer that got to Jack. "I am a mystery." Had he not felt so defeated he would have asked the black haired, pale skinned girl, "What's so great about being a mystery?" Jack felt as though he had done the right thing. He wanted everyone to know who he was almost as badly as he wanted to know who everyone else was. Jack had decided that from now on he was pure and he would keep no more secrets. Except, what if he was wrong? What if the mystery girl had been right. What if people are meant to be hidden beneath this shroud of secrets. In spite of these thoughts, Jack couldn't help but think that secrets were just tall fences meant to keep the world out and he wanted so desperately to let the world in, only the world was not excepting the invitation.
Jack spent the rest of his life brooding over that day. Was he right or was he wrong?
I hate secrets. I want someone to be painfully honest with me. Will you be?
A man jumps on a table in the middle of a crowded room. He says, "My name is Jack Pretender and I am someone who has never committed to anything and its never bothered me." Everyone looks at him. Jack expects people to jump on a table and let the entire room know who they are, but no one does. So, Jack jumps off the table and walks up to a girl. "What is your name?" he asks her, everyones eyes are still on the two of them. "Jen." She responds. "Jen, who are you?" "I don't know." Jack asked several different people there names and "who they were." The people who didn't answer "I dont know" said things like "I'm a body builder" or "I'm a good person" or worst of all "I'm a mystery." After asking several people he started to cry. He walked out of the crowded room unsure if he'd ever return. It was that last answer that got to Jack. "I am a mystery." Had he not felt so defeated he would have asked the black haired, pale skinned girl, "What's so great about being a mystery?" Jack felt as though he had done the right thing. He wanted everyone to know who he was almost as badly as he wanted to know who everyone else was. Jack had decided that from now on he was pure and he would keep no more secrets. Except, what if he was wrong? What if the mystery girl had been right. What if people are meant to be hidden beneath this shroud of secrets. In spite of these thoughts, Jack couldn't help but think that secrets were just tall fences meant to keep the world out and he wanted so desperately to let the world in, only the world was not excepting the invitation.
Jack spent the rest of his life brooding over that day. Was he right or was he wrong?
I hate secrets. I want someone to be painfully honest with me. Will you be?
Saturday, February 23, 2008
I am Jack's broken heart
When I was little my mom and I got in a fight. I was so furious that I packed my runaway bag. It was a purple Lisa Frank bag with a pink bear who held a paintbrush. The bag itself was insignificant really. It contained a Spice Girls CD, my favorite Barbie, a blanket, some crayons, some paper and my will, meaning who I intended to leave the rest of my stuff with. Sensible, I know. It lasted 3 moves. But when we were kicked out of our house and had to decide what was important to bring, I thought I would never need it. So I left it there under the bed.
I was wrong. I would do anything to have that bag now. My mom and I had a fight last night because I shoveled the walkway incorrectly. No, I am not kidding. She came home, opened the door and started talking about how I am unmotivated and only ever do things half way. So we had a fight. This morning she told me that she didn't like me. My mom is the most beautiful person I've ever met. She's gorgeous. She's had a really hard life and managed to still move on. She raised me by herself and taught me almost everything I know. And... she doesn't like me.
"I can't do this anymore," she said to me. "I can't keep pulling people through life." Okay. Then don't. Because I can't do this anymore, either. I can't keep convincing myself that she does. So I'm done. And I dont know if that means that I completely rebel and go and get a tattoo and smoke a lot of pot or if that means I go through life head down, shut up. Either way I'll be miserable so who the fuck cares?
I bend really far. But I am human and I break too.
I am broken. I am Jack's broken heart.
I was wrong. I would do anything to have that bag now. My mom and I had a fight last night because I shoveled the walkway incorrectly. No, I am not kidding. She came home, opened the door and started talking about how I am unmotivated and only ever do things half way. So we had a fight. This morning she told me that she didn't like me. My mom is the most beautiful person I've ever met. She's gorgeous. She's had a really hard life and managed to still move on. She raised me by herself and taught me almost everything I know. And... she doesn't like me.
"I can't do this anymore," she said to me. "I can't keep pulling people through life." Okay. Then don't. Because I can't do this anymore, either. I can't keep convincing myself that she does. So I'm done. And I dont know if that means that I completely rebel and go and get a tattoo and smoke a lot of pot or if that means I go through life head down, shut up. Either way I'll be miserable so who the fuck cares?
I bend really far. But I am human and I break too.
I am broken. I am Jack's broken heart.
16 months and I am gone.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
My perfect 17th birthday
My birthday is on Monday. And, though none of this will actually happen, this is how my perfect bday weekend would go....
Friday night, we (me, alicia, davey, emily, hez, jamie, philip & chic) would party at Hez's. The usual Friday night but like 14 zillion times better because Philip would be there and it would be a jamie-pepe-bday party blast. So we'd party hard, laugh hard and just enjoy eachothers company. Then Sat. alicia, philip and myself would spend the day at the evil lake drinking tea and just being us--no awkwardness--. Perhaps we'd engage in some illegal birthday festivities too. That'd be fun =] Then Saturday night Jelly, Kristina and myself would hang out and watch movies and eat cookie dough and make gak! That'd be awesome. Then, sun. I would treat myself to the movies! I've never been to the movies by myself before and I'd love to try it. Then Mon., I'd go to school have an AWESOME day and afterwards go out to the usual birthday dinner with my mommy, daddy, Jack and Alicia. And then I'd come home and it would all be over.
....That is how I want to turn 17 years old. =]
Saturday, February 9, 2008
Running into myself
"...you're terrified somebodys going to stick you in a cage. Well, baby, you're already in that cage, you built it yourself. And its not bounded in the west by Tulip, Texas or in the east by somali-land. It's wherever you go. Because no matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself."
Those are, in my opinion, the cruelest words anyone has ever said to another human being. Unfortunatly, they are also true. Very very true.
I dont know what to do. I make a healthy decision and I break first chance I get. I need to get out of here. Spring breaks coming up soon. Maybe there's someplace I can go. God, I hope so. I truly truly hope so.
Those are, in my opinion, the cruelest words anyone has ever said to another human being. Unfortunatly, they are also true. Very very true.
I dont know what to do. I make a healthy decision and I break first chance I get. I need to get out of here. Spring breaks coming up soon. Maybe there's someplace I can go. God, I hope so. I truly truly hope so.
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
I've been hanging onto nothing
When nothing could be worse than hanging on
Because...I now know you read this-
No. I dont hate you. I never actually did. At most I was hurt and felt abandoned and questioned "what did I do wrong?" however juvenile that might be. But hate is not a word that comes to mind.
The way I see it you could be doing worse. And if this is what actually makes you happy, who am I to judge? It's not what I ever expected and it's certainly not my ideal, but life has never been about ideals, now has it? Life goes on..and so do we. What other choice do we have?
I'm ready to move on now. I really mean it this time. I'm done mourning the creamy council and I'm looking for something new. I dont know what that is yet, who it is yet. I dont know where I'll find it(them) or how long it will take, but I'm okay with that.
Maybe its because I was able to walk my dog in a t-shirt in the middle of February and not be cold...maybe thats the reason I'm okay with things--really and surprisingly okay with them.
You see, the thing about global warming is that its going to happen. We, as human beings, the current dominant species, are terrified that global warming will bring an end to our dominance-possibly existence so we try to fight it by preventing it or at least slowing it down. But is this idea of stepping down really such a bad thing? I mean it has been going on for the past 4.5 billion years. Who are we to stop something as antiquated as change?
Today I read a story about a guy who keeps crickets in jars by his bed. Today I would let them go.
Because...I now know you read this-
No. I dont hate you. I never actually did. At most I was hurt and felt abandoned and questioned "what did I do wrong?" however juvenile that might be. But hate is not a word that comes to mind.
The way I see it you could be doing worse. And if this is what actually makes you happy, who am I to judge? It's not what I ever expected and it's certainly not my ideal, but life has never been about ideals, now has it? Life goes on..and so do we. What other choice do we have?
I'm ready to move on now. I really mean it this time. I'm done mourning the creamy council and I'm looking for something new. I dont know what that is yet, who it is yet. I dont know where I'll find it(them) or how long it will take, but I'm okay with that.
Maybe its because I was able to walk my dog in a t-shirt in the middle of February and not be cold...maybe thats the reason I'm okay with things--really and surprisingly okay with them.
You see, the thing about global warming is that its going to happen. We, as human beings, the current dominant species, are terrified that global warming will bring an end to our dominance-possibly existence so we try to fight it by preventing it or at least slowing it down. But is this idea of stepping down really such a bad thing? I mean it has been going on for the past 4.5 billion years. Who are we to stop something as antiquated as change?
Today I read a story about a guy who keeps crickets in jars by his bed. Today I would let them go.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
I think I'll go and take a bath instead<3
It's been a while, friend. And though I'm actually much too tired to post I thought I'd just tell you briefly how life is. ..Its better. A lot better. Things still feel kind of broken, but they're looking positive. I still miss... "him" and "she" is finding her way back (or at least learning to manage her time better) but I'm not dwelling on that too much anymore. Its a brand new year and with that comes brand new opportunities so I'm going to grab everyone I can and make the best out of it.
In September of (whoa!) last year, I wrote something in here that a friend had said to me. He said that all rain is useful. I didn't know why it was important at the time, but I know now. And he's right...All rain is quite useful.
And now some song lyrics...Here is how I feel about life<3
Don't know what time it is, I've been up for way too long
and I'm too tired to sleep
I call my mother on the phone, she wasn't home,
and now I'm wondering the street
I've been a fool, I've been cruel to myself
I've been hanging onto nothing
when nothing could be worse than hanging on
And something tells me there must be
something better than all this
I've fallen many times in love and every time
it's been with the wrong man
Still I'm out there living one day at a time
and doing the best I can
Cuz we've all made mistakes
that seem to lead us astray
But every time they helped to get us where we are today
And that's a good a place as any
and it's probably where we're best off anyway
It's a long and rugged road
and we don't now where it's headed
But we know it's going to get us where we're going
And when we find what we're looking for
we'll drop these bags and search no more
'Cuz it's going to feel like heaven when we're home
It's going to feel like heaven when we're home
There's no such thing as perfect,
and if there is we'll fnd it when we're good and dead
Trust me I've been looking
bu tonight I think I'll go and take a bath instead
And then maybe I'll walk a while
and feel the earth beneath me
They say if you stop looking
it doesn't matter if you find it
And whose to say that even if I did
it's what I'm really looking for
It's a long and rugged road
and we don't now where it's headed
But we know it's going to get us where we're going
And when we find what we're looking for
we'll drop these bags and search no more
'Cuz it's going to feel like heaven when we're home
It's going to feel like heaven when we're home
In September of (whoa!) last year, I wrote something in here that a friend had said to me. He said that all rain is useful. I didn't know why it was important at the time, but I know now. And he's right...All rain is quite useful.
And now some song lyrics...Here is how I feel about life<3
Don't know what time it is, I've been up for way too long
and I'm too tired to sleep
I call my mother on the phone, she wasn't home,
and now I'm wondering the street
I've been a fool, I've been cruel to myself
I've been hanging onto nothing
when nothing could be worse than hanging on
And something tells me there must be
something better than all this
I've fallen many times in love and every time
it's been with the wrong man
Still I'm out there living one day at a time
and doing the best I can
Cuz we've all made mistakes
that seem to lead us astray
But every time they helped to get us where we are today
And that's a good a place as any
and it's probably where we're best off anyway
It's a long and rugged road
and we don't now where it's headed
But we know it's going to get us where we're going
And when we find what we're looking for
we'll drop these bags and search no more
'Cuz it's going to feel like heaven when we're home
It's going to feel like heaven when we're home
There's no such thing as perfect,
and if there is we'll fnd it when we're good and dead
Trust me I've been looking
bu tonight I think I'll go and take a bath instead
And then maybe I'll walk a while
and feel the earth beneath me
They say if you stop looking
it doesn't matter if you find it
And whose to say that even if I did
it's what I'm really looking for
It's a long and rugged road
and we don't now where it's headed
But we know it's going to get us where we're going
And when we find what we're looking for
we'll drop these bags and search no more
'Cuz it's going to feel like heaven when we're home
It's going to feel like heaven when we're home
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